Porrotta Systems Baseline Support Job Description – The unseen footage!!!

What I was told at the onset of the project, and the way I was being trained to support the product called Hyperion, I was led to believe that this was a high pressure, high performance demanding project with a lot of customer interaction (which, for the non-IT folks reading this, is a very big deal – especially considering that I was less than a year into the industry)

But a couple of months into my project, this was pretty much how my days went:


8.30 am – Reach Diapro and Swipe In
8.30 am to 9.00 am – Done with Breakfast and Newspaper
9.00 am to 9.05 am – Check Official mails to see if any work/task has been allotted for the day

At this time this is what’s going through my mind - “As expected – No work has been allotted for today!!! Heck, for the last 3 months, I never had any task allotted to me. No reason why today should be any different!”

9.05 am to 10.00 am – Orkut/Browse the Internet
10.00 am to 11.00 am – Pull my friends from their cubes. Justification – “Coffee Break”
11.00 am to 12.30 pm – Orkut/Browse the internet (By now I’m thinking – “Why the heck don’t my friends scrap me more often! Maybe I need to make more friends. That way – someone or the other will scrap me!”
12.30 pm to 2.30 pm – Extended Lunch break
2.30 pm to 3.30 pm - Orkut/Browse the internet (By now my thoughts are – “Even those new friends I made are not responding. What the heck is wrong with these people???”)
3.30 pm to 5.00 pm – Once again run around and pull people from their cubes - “Coffee Break”
5.00 pm to 5.30 pm – ***Work*** (Which by the way means - Check a few log files on a couple of servers, and update an excel sheet with the data found in these logs)
5.30 pm to 6.00 pm – Keep looking at my watch
6.00 pm – Swipe Out and then make a mad dash to catch a seat in the bus.


Yeah … I know you’re probably thinking – “Woooooooooow … He got paid for doing nothing … And he’s complaining about it!!! How bloody stupid!!!”

But, trust me, its fun when you’re jobless for a day or two. Maybe a week or two max. Even a month or two – although is pushing the envelope – is bearable. But, in my case, it had been 4 months and I was completely jobless!
It was really beginning to be a hit on my ego and more importantly – my morale.

Sometime during the 4th month, I raised my concern with Vrunda. She promptly referred me to Pak who - by the way - was her manager.


That meeting (encounter is what I’d like to call it) with Pak is something I will never forget. I feel, to this day, that it was the one “trigger” incident that eventually led me to leave Diapro.

Back to Square One – The same old Cubicle

After what seemed an eternity of ogling at hot babes, I was back in my Chennai office which by the way was infested with “medically certified” girls (i.e. I refer to them as girls – only because the doctor says so!).
Heck – there was no point in bitching about it. I had to live with it anyways.

Savita had somehow managed to get to office by around 10.30 am. After introducing her to the rest of the Chennai team, meetings with Pak, etc, we decided to take the rest of the day off – just so that she can relax and settle down. In effect I was extending her the same courtesy she had extended me on Day 1.
You see – after all – I can be a good host if I want to be.
:)

Another 15 days, and the transition is done. It is the last day of Savita’s stay at Chennai. I was also happy to be rid of her. Now, no more “someone” looking over my shoulders and bossing me around. Now, I was all by myself and I was the sole “offshore” member in the project. Boy – Did I feel on top of the world or not!

After Savita left for Bangalore, Vrunda – who was my manager for the project (Porrotta Systems Baseline Support) – was the person I turned to for any info and help. She was a very pleasant lady and was all the more happy to help me out.
I also took help from Savita on an on-off basis. But, somehow, atleast I seemed to think so, she wasn’t very keen to help me. It was as if she had “ridden” herself from the project and didn’t want to have anything to do with it anymore.


Anyways … I was doing well in the project. A month passed, another month passed, and so did another. By now – I had gotten really bored with my project. Let me explain why!

End of Bangalore Days

Around 10 pm on 14th of Jan 2006, I and Savita head to the railway station for our trip to Chennai. And as is obvious by now to you – I ended up having to pay for the cab.
(If I ever find the guy that invented the concept of “Chivalry” – I’m going to KILL HIM!!!).

As per Pak’s plans, we were supposed to continue the rest of the knowledge transition – another 15 days – at Chennai. His reasoning was, this would give Savita a chance to visit Chennai, as well as set up your machine and the software you’d need to get going.

Let me tell you this - I had tried every trick in the book to try and stay back at Bangalore. I mean, why wouldn’t I? I had a luxurious room at my command, I was in Babe heaven, and I was siphoning off Rs. 200/- every day via my little “autorikshaw fraud” scheme!
A couple of things I tried were, volunteering to stay back at Bangalore to aid Savita, as she was a “girl” and probably wasn’t very comfortable with having to stay at an alien place. When that didn’t work, I tried painting a very gory picture of Chennai to Savita –saying stuff like – “Its freaking hot there … You’ll end up all black by the time you come back … Heck – what will happen to your value in the marriage market if you end up all dark?”
You know – the works. I did convinced Savita that Chennai was a place she better stay away from! But at the end of the day, Pak - who was our boss – had the last word in the whole deal. And sadly, he didn’t buy into the idea!

Anyways, back to the story. So - it’s freezing cold on the morning of 15th when I land in Chennai. Me and Savita get into a cab – which by the way, is an Ambassador that I’m pretty sure is older than me – and head to our respective homes. To be more precise, the itinerary was that I’d drop her off at her guest house and then head over to my house.

Her guest house turned out to be some sort of a shady spot. I swear … The second I saw the place - I kind of had the feeling that “These guys probably rent rooms by the hour and not by the day!”
But, I didn’t raise this concern of mine with her. For all you know, I was just being hypercritical - It was 5 am in the morning, and every hotel (except the 5 star ones ofcourse) would have looked shady – to me atleast - at that time.
And I was also aware that in the event of me raising my concerns - I’d end up having to search for an alternate hotel for her, or worst come worst case – letting her stay at my place for a couple of days till Diapro gave her a better place!
I definitely didn’t care that much about her to have to take so much of pain!

At the time of leaving, she says – “Hey Sharath … My phone is on roaming, if you don’t mind – can I use your spare SIM? I’ll pay for whatever I use.”

If you’re wondering what’s the deal with me carrying multiple SIM cards – I use two different SIM cards - One for sending SMS and the other for making calls. The reason is pretty simple – both the SIM cards gave me good rates for the function I was using them for!

I was sure I’d not get a penny out of her. So, I gave her my SMS walla SIM. That particular one did not have STD facility activated on it, and SMS’ing was free anyways. So, I was sure she couldn’t loot me – atleast not much anyways!
Sly me eh!!!
(Remind me to pat myself on the back)

All that done, I head over to my house. Once I am there, I get the next jolt. The Cab guy charged me Rs. 500 /- for the trip? It was company money, and ideally I shouldn’t have had any issues with him trying to loot me, but instincts suddenly kicked in – and I lashed out at him for trying to cheat me. I was like “Maybe you should hold a knife and ask me for the same. I’d gladly hand over the cash. But, other than that – I don’t think you’re getting anything more than 300 from me!”

Finally, I ended up paying him 400 bucks. And this was partly because the cabbie started swearing and cussing, and the neighbors’ lights started coming on thanks to all this hungama!

What a wonderful way to start my day eh!!!

Auto Thief

On the first and second days of my stay at Bangalore, I was traveling by Auto to and from office to my guesthouse. And the scary part was that, I was paying anything between Rs. 100/- to Rs. 150/- in either direction.
Obviously, I saw the economic unfeasibility of this and I thought that I would rather use the company bus service to commute to and from office. Please take into consideration that – I knew that this meant that I would have to stand for 1+ hours’ as the Bangalore Diapro busses were packed to the brim with employees.

With this in mind, the first thing I did on reaching office - on Day # 3 - is send a mail to the the Pividus team. For those who’re wondering who they are – they’re the financial ops team @ Diapro.

The mail was as below:


Hi Pividus Team,

My name is Sharath Kumar R (Emp # 111500), and I am currently on relocation to Bangalore. Since the referral guesthouse provided to me is at a distance of 12 kms from the office where I work, I am forced to rely on autos for travel to and from office. This is causing me an expense of Rs. 100/- to Rs 150/-, in one direction, every day.
To avoid this overhead in relocation expenses, I would be happy to use the company bus facility for commuting to and fro office, provided that the same is reimbursed under the relocation policy.

Kindly provide the necessary approvals for the same.


With Best Regards,
Sharath Kumar R



And this is mail I got in response from them by the end of the day:


Sharath,

Please go ahead and raise a requisition for using the company bus facility in Bangalore. But, please keep in mind that, for all purposes, it will be treating as an employee’s personal expense. Hence, we will not be reimbursing the costs toward the same.

Hope this clarifies!



With Warm Regards,
Pividus Team


I don’t know what to call it. Was it surprise? Was it humiliation? Was it a feeling of being extorted?
I don’t know!!!

Here I was. Trying to be a good employee and help the organization cut its cost. And there the organization was. Trying to pull a fast one on me by saying – “You can travel by the bus – But we aren’t going to reimburse you the cost incurred for the same!”

All I know is that I knew I wasn’t going to try and do the company any more favors.


So, for the next 2 days I continued using autos to commute. That’s when an idea struck me. “Why don’t I use the company bus anyways? That way I can save up on the cost of autos – but in the end I can claim for the same!”

I know – It wasn’t the most ethical of things to do. But hey, I never said I was a Gandhiji. Diapro was a fuck all pay master. And I could do with every other penny I could wrangle or wry out of Kemzi’s fat pocket.

But, there was a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig problem. Since I used to commute via the company bus in Chennai, I knew that there were often checking squads that boarded the bus to see which employees were traveling for free. Ok … Lets give you a little bit of background into why this was/is being done.

At the time of joining Diapro, I was paying Rs. 800/- towards using the company bus service. Within 3 months - it rose to Rs. 1150/-. Another 3 months later – it went to Rs. 1350/-. As most of you would’ve guessed by now, our salaries were still the same as it was 6 months back. So, obviously every one was pissed off. I mean who wouldn’t be? In effect, we were paying nearly double the amount for commute. And that too in less than 6 months!
When we raised this question to the Diapro management, this is what we were told - “Since the cost of Petrol had gone up, the travel contractors had raised the request to hike prices. Since Diapro is a stern believer is moral practices we couldn’t be oblivious to their requisition. Hence we decided to hike the costs.”
This infuriated the employees even more. As Diapro management were trying to “not be oblivious” to the agony of the contractors, but were “completely oblivious” to the agonies of their employees who were equally badly hit by the increase in petrol costs and inflation in general.

As a general effect of this unhappiness amongst the employees, some of them had decided to beat Diapro at their own game. In other words, they decided to dupe Diapro and their contractors.

What these people did were – they unregistered themselves from using the company bus services, but still used it to travel everyday to work. What they did in effect was - they were saving themselves Rs. 1350/- every month.

All of a sudden there was a mass cancellation of subscriptions to the bus service. But, the busses were still running at maximum capacity. It took a couple of months for Diapro to realize what was going on. And to counter this, Diapro got its employees in the travel department to “raid” the bus and check whether everyone onboard had a valid bus pass. Although, people reading this might feel that Diapro beat the employees in our game – you’re mistaken. There were a million loop holes these Smart Alec employees exploited and got away scot-free, the simplest of which was – “I forgot my Bus pass at home!”
:D

And just a disclaimer – I was one of the employees who continued to pay for the company bus service, but regret – to this day – that I didn’t pull a fast one on Diapro by following in their footsteps.

Ok … Now that you have a background of the same, let’s get back to my story.


So, one of the first things I wanted to do is to find out how often there were “raids” on the route I took. To ascertain this, I gave Srivatsan a call and, after the initial chit-chat, I got straight to the point.

Me: “Dae Machi … Do you have “raids” here often on your busses?”
Srivatu: “Raid??? What do you mean raids?”

I proceeded to explain the entire thing I explained above to him.

Srivatu: “Nothing of that sort happens here machi … the busses are way too crowded to permit anything of that sort to happen!”
Me: “Hmmmmm … Interesting …”

I went to tell him what had happened earlier in the day with the Pividus team and what I had in mind. Srivatsan was a near and dear friend. In short – he was my confidant.

Srivatu: “Sure thing machi … You should do that. I mean – what else can I say. You tried to save the company some money, and in return they tried to stick a rusted rod in your arse and give it a twist as well. They deserve it man!”
Me: “You sure I won’t get into trouble – RIGHT?”
Srivatu: “101% sure. There is no such thing as raids in Bangalore. That much I guarantee you!”

I was happy. “Easiest 2500 bucks I ever made!” was what was going on in my mind.

But oh boy – was I in for a nasty surprise!!!
(More on that later)


And, with that, I started using the company’s bus service for the rest of my stay at Bangalore.


In my defense I only have this to say - I'm morally grey !!!

The First Fight

I think this happened on Day 5 of my Knowledge Transition. I remember it was a Friday. I think Savita was having PMS (The girls out there would probably know what I am talking about here! For those who don’t – a.k.a guys - Google for it!). The ordinarily well mannered and silent Savita had become a bitch with a capital B today!
I just couldn’t think of any better reasoning for this sudden change in behavior except for the PMS theory!

Ok … Lets move on with the rest of the story instead of repeating PMS … PMS … PMS over and over again!


So, that day – sometime post-lunch, when I was sitting an Orkut’ing in full josh, Savita asks me the status of a document that she had asked me to work on.

Me: “But that is due for delivery by the end of next week – right?”
Savita: “So … does that mean you shouldn’t start working on it right away?”
Me: “Chill … I’ll get working on it in another hour. Don’t worry, I’ll ensure it’s done before its deadline!”
Savita: “No … I want you to start working on it right now. And I want you to give your transition more importance and seriousness than you are giving it now! And moreover I want you to stop checking your e-mail and Orkut so often!”


Now, I do agree that I was probably not being very “serious” about the whole. But, that’s my nature. That’s how I work. What’s the whole bloody point in keeping a grim face all through the day while you’re at work??? I prefer to monkey around and still ensuring that the work is delivered on time. And till date – I was always able to do that.

And on top of that – I was not about to take orders from some dumb babe! Call me a chauvinist if you want to – but I hated being bossed. Especially by someone of the fairer sex! And this babe has just done that!

Whatever I said after that was not planned. It was purely by reflex.


Me: “Listen Savita … I don’t give a shit if you’re a senior to me here at Diapro and I give two big balls if you’ve been on this project longer than me. And just so that you know – You don’t have the bloody authority to tell me what I should and when I should do it. If you want me to do something – give me a deadline and see whether I do it on time. If I don’t – then complain or bitch all you want. But – before that deadline, keep your butt-ugly, long nose out of my business. And as for my e-mails and Orkut – If nobody sends you an e-mail – that’s because you’re social life sucks. Don’t take your anger and frustration out on me! You got that!”
Savita: (With an I-was-just-struck-by-lightning look) “I’m going to tell Vrunda about you not working properly!”
Me: (Still fuming like mad!) “Tell you what – I’ll do you a favor – I’ll tell Vrunda that I can’t work with you!”
Savita: “What? Why?”
Me: “You’re not even my manager Savita, and you’re trying to order me around as if I were your servant. Just so that you know - I don’t take orders from anyone! You better get that into your head?”
Savita: “Yeah … Whatever”
Me: “Yeah … Whatever!!!”
With that said, I got up and left. When I turned back, I saw her sitting and sulking at her desk.
She was obviously pissed at me shouting at her. She probably thought that her being a “senior” in both the company and the project would act as the leverage she’d need to boss me around.
I hadn’t let that bully Sujatha boss me around – and atleast she looked intimidating. This gal looked like a twig! She had picked a fight with the wrong guy!

The rest of the day, we didn’t even look each other in the face. She was busy typing some mail or the other. Maybe they were complaining mails to Vrunda, or maybe she was just trying to prove that she too had “friends” and a “social-life”. As for me – I spent the rest of the day Orkut’ing - Just to tick her off!!!

As usual, I left for home at 5.00, and she stayed back – obviously because she would’ve wanted to “complain” to Vrunda about me and my impromptu behavior.
I didn’t give a shit … If Vrunda called me and tried to boss me around – I’d give her a piece of my mind too. I was determined to not let myself be bossed – COME WHAT MAY!!!



The following Monday when I came back to work, the first thing I did was check my e-mail to see if there was some reprimandel e-mails from Vrunda. But, to my surprise, there were none.

As for Savita - she was back to her cheerful self. Either Vrunda had convinced or cajoled her during their call, or, she was done with her Periods!!!
Either ways – I was in the safe zone … And that’s all that mattered to me.

Just to ensure that she had indeed burried the hatchet, I went up to her and said

Me: “Hey Savita … Sorry about what happened on Friday … I should’ve apologized on Friday itself, but I was full of hot air back then.”
Savita: “Hey … Its ok … I didn’t realize that I was bossing over you! Sorry about that …”
Me: “Yeah … I just don’t like it when anyone tries to boss me. It’s just my nature you see … Anyways … Past is past … Let’s put this behind us - shall we …”
Savita: “Sure … Let’s get on with our work …”
Me: “I’m cool with that … Lets get started on the transition! “
Savita: “Ok … Give me 5 mins … I need to get a coffee …”
Me: “Mind if I join you … I need to get my morning dose of caffeine too!”
Savita: “Sure … Challoe then!”
Me: “Ladies first …”


With that – our enmity had come to an end. Atleast for the moment !!!

It was not something I expected – but I was happy that it ended this way. After all – as the wise say – “We all have short lives … Instead of making enemies – make as many friends as possible … You’re life will be a lot better that way … ”

Can I have some money please?

If you go back a couple of chapters, you might recall that I was talking about the dilemma I was facing - About not having enough money to pay for my guest house. Well, let me continue on that.

On Day 2 of stay at Bangalore – I was too much in awe of being in Bangalore on Day 1 that I completely forgot about it on Day 1 – I realized I need to talk to Pak about this financial pothole I had got myself into. So, I decided to send him an e-mail. This is how my e-mail went.



Dear Pak,
Hope this mail finds you in the best of cheers!

This is with regards to the travel advance disbursed to me for my relocation to Bangalore. As you are aware, I have been given Rs. 5000/- as cash advance for my visit to Bangalore.
I would like to bring to your attention that I have been given accommodation in a referral guest house which charges me Rs. 1600/- on a per day basis. Given this background, and that I have to be here for a period of 13 days, the rental cost alone would amount to Rs. 20,800/-. Ergo, please authorize the disbursement of a sum of Rs. 20,000/- to aid me in paying the costs incurred for this official trip.

Looking forward to hearing from you shortly!


With Best Regards,
Sharath Kumar R



And this is the reply I got from him:


Sharath,
Use your Credit Card!

- Pak



I think to myself - “What a sick bastard … I ask him for money, and he tells me to use my credit cards! As such Diapro never pays even my salary on time. Now, if I make all my payments for this trip on my credit card, and as sure as hell – Diapro will delay the re-imbursement of the same, then I end up paying 3 % of my outstanding as interest charges!”


On that thought, I bring up a Microsoft Excel Worksheet and do some quick math to see what my expenses for this trip would sum up to.

Food	1500
Rent	21000
Travel	3000
Telephone	500
	26000

That immediately gets me thinking - “Oh Shit … 3 % of Rs. 26000/- is Rs. 780 /-. No chance is hell I’m taking on that sort of damage. And that too for this fuck all company!!! “


By this time I had decided, I was not going to use my cards and I knew that the best course of action was to call Pak and tell him about it. But, I couldn’t tell him the real reason for my not wanting to use my cards – could I!
But, the scheming genius that I am, I had a plan … A master plan!!!
Muhahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!


I picked up the VOIP phone and dialed Pak’s number in Chennai (Oh … For those wondering what VOIP stands for – It means Voice Over Internet Protocol. It’s a technology IT companies everywhere use to make dirt cheap STD/ISD calls to clients/onsite teams. Btw – It’s the same resource IT employees – me included – “mis”use to call friends in the US and ask them how this weeks visit to the strip club went!)


Pak: “Hello …”
Me: “Hi Pak … Sharath here …”
Pak: “Hi … How you doing?”
Me: “Great … Thank you!”
Pak: “So … What did you call about?”
Me: “Pak … It’s about the e-mail I sent you earlier today.”
Pak: “Oh yes … The money disbursement eh!”
Me: “Yeah …”
Pak: “Well … Like I said in my e-mail earlier … Use your credit card. It’s got many benefits you see …”

With that statement, he proceeded on to explain the benefits of having a credit card. For the next 5 mins, I was wondering – “Am I talking to my Program Manager or a freaking Credit Card Sales Man???”

5 mins later, when he thinks he’s done convincing me, he gives me a chance to speak

Me: “Pak … I don’t have a credit card!”
Pak: “What?”
Me: “I said – I don’t have a credit card!”
Pak: “Oh shucks … That sucks!”
Me: “Yeah … Now you know why I need the money!”
Pak: “Sure … Raise a request for the same – I’ll approve it later today.”
Me: “Thanks Pak … I’ll raise the request right away!”
Pak: “Is there anything else you needed from me?”
Me: “Naaa … Thanks for your time … Bye!”
Pak: “Yeah … Bye!”


I had won the argument … Yahooooooooooooo!!! Once I had the money in my bank, I’d pay using my credit card anyways. I thought to myself “You’re a smart arse Sharath …”
;-)

Rest of the Bangalore Trip

The remaining 15 days were spent in pretty much the same fashion.
• 9 am to 5 pm - At work
• 5 pm to 6.30 pm - Traveling back home
• 6.30 pm to 10.0 pm – Meeting up with friends and batch mates at Forum (I had fallen in love with the place by then)
• 10.00 pm – 1 am – Booooooooooze myself senseless


But yeah, a few interesting things did happen during my 15 days at Bangalore. It’ll be greatest injustice to this book if I didn’t speak about them. Let’s get straight to em – one after the other.

At the Diapro Bangalore Campus – Day 1

I had heard all my friends at Bangalore bitch about the traffic blocks en route to Electronic City. Today, just 20 mins into my travel to work, I was one of them. I was bitching away to glory.

Well, let me give you some perspective as what made me do that. I had been sitting in the auto for a good 20 mins and guess how much we had moved – less than a kilometer. And, to add to the agony, there were huge company buses trying to wriggle their way through a jungle of grid locked vehicles – thereby making the traffic scenarios even worse. Not that I cared about the others stuck in the traffic block, but the stupid bus right next to my rickshaw was blowing exhaust right at my face. And heck – that was not even a new Volvo bus. It was some godforsaken Ashok Leyland primate spewing out thick black smoke. For a second there I was contemplating kicking the buses driver, but when I saw him (he was a 6 foot muscular youngster) I thought I’d rather forgive him.
;)

A few MI-2 style moves from the auto driver and 40 mins later, I was at the Diapro Bangalore campus. And I must saw – I was awestruck by the sheer magnitude of the spread. I knew that it was the largest Diapro campus in India, but this was way beyond what I had imagined.

And to add to this awe, there were good looking babes practically crawling all over the place. This was a luxury I didn’t have at Diapro Chennai. The girls there made you want to cry – nothing more, nothing less!!!

“Thank you god for this wondrous opportunity!!!” With this prayer said, I headed over to SDB – 17 to meet Savita (stands for Software Development Block 17).


When I called her from the reception, she said she was on level 4, and that she would meet me at the lounge there. “Heck … she isn’t pretty anyways … who cares where she meets me!!!” With that thought, I head up for our first rendezvous.

And true to my thought, a not-so-hot babe met me at the lounge.

Me: “Savita???”
Savita: “Sharath right … Welcome to Bangalore!”
Me: “Thanks … Bangalore rocks!”
Savita: “Yeah … I know!”
Me: “You’ve been here for long?”
Savita: “Yeah … about 2 yrs now … Hey – we should be heading inside and getting started!”
Me: (thinking) “Stupid bum … I’m trying to break the ice here, and all she can think of is work … what a lame babe … Bet she doesn’t have a social life!!!”

Ok … Maybe I was thinking rude thoughts. But in my defense – I had just got here, it had hardly been 2 mins since we met, and I was taking all the effort to make chit-chat – and all she was concerned with was work? I mean – it’s not like we were doctors or nuclear scientist … We were boring software professionals!!!


“Heck – no point in fighting her. I just got here. Lets play along” and I trailed along with her in the lead.

I don’t want to get into the events of the rest of the day simply because nothing major (read as fun) happened. It was just the regular Knowledge Transition where she “taught” me about the application and the sort of work I would be doing in a month’s time. Honestly speaking – I wasn’t even listening to her. My mind was full of “other” questions – “Where do I go sight-seeing in the evening?” “Are there are hot clubs I can go to today?” “Should I go meet all my batch mates in Bangalore – or should that wait till the weekend?”

Amidst all these wondrous and involving thoughts can you blame for having missed out what Hyperion Enterprise Solutions did (Oh … Btw – that’s the application I was supposed to support moving forward!)

5 0 clock approaches, and Savita calls it a day. I hire a taxi (Diapro policy allowed me to do that – and I wasn’t gonna miss a chance to loot them bone dry!) and she hitch hikes a lift. En route home, I have another go at making chit-chat with her. And thankfully - this time around, she aint as bitchy as she was in the morning!
I got around to asking her about her family, how her pay stack was, how life was at Diapro the last 3 yrs, etc.

Another grueling 50 mins later, I drop her off at her hostel and head home. Once home, I called a colleague of mine called Srivatsan.

Let me give you a little info on Srivatsan. I met the little bastard for the first time during our Induction Program at Diapro. We ended up in the same training batch and since we shared similar thoughts and views on most topics (read as – “How ugly and bitchy Diapro girls were!”) – We became great friends!

He was a pretty cool person to hang out with. With him around – time flew (as did cigarette packs). And so, he was obviously the first person I wanted to meet up with at Bangalore.
Ok … enough about Srivatsan. Back to my story!

Me: “Dae Mamaa … Sharath here da !”
Srivatu: “Dae … when did u land her u bastard?”
Me: “Today morning macha … Howz u been u lousy fuck?”
Srivatu: “Good … Very good … What about you …”
Me: “I’m great bro … Hey – howz about we meet up today evening? Wat say?”
Srivatu: “Sure thing man … Forum – 8 o clock?”
Me: “Where is this place man?”
Srivatu: “Just get into an auto and ask them to take you to The Forum. Every auto wallah knows it. Don’t worry!”
Me: “Cool … It’s a date then!”
Srivatu: “Date … I aint gay u bloody bugger!!!”
Me: “Me neither … Besides – you’re not my style!”
Srivatu: “In your dreams u silly bastard … In your dreams!!!”
Me: “Ha ha ha ha … same old Srivatu …”
Srivatu: “Ha ha ha … Same old Sharath … Nice to see you here man …”
Me: “The pleasure I’m sure was all mine …”
Srivatu: “You and your lame one liners… No wonder you never get laid …”
Me: “Yeah … As if you have a lot of luck with the babes …”
Srivatu: “Now that was below the belt …”
Me: “Winston Churchill said – Hit strong … Hit hard …”
Srivatu: “There he goes again … You’re NEVER getting laid u moron!!!”
Me: “Stop jinxing me you devil!!!”
Srivatu: “ha ha ha ha … touchwood … Anyways – we’ll catch up in the evening … Got some work to wrap up before that!”
Me: “Catch you at 8 bro …”
For those people who think we being overtly aggressive or rude here – think again!
We were two really good friends meeting after close to 6 months.

I’m not sure whether any girls reading this would identify with it, but, I’m sure guys definitely identify with such re-unions.


Around 8 I head over to Forum to meet Srivatu … The second I entered Forum – I was captivated by the view. Heck – Spellbound I believe is a better term for what I was seeing.

Please pardon my frequent gaping and drooling. But hey - there were more babes in this complex that there was probably in the whole of Chennai. And I was here after a “dry phase” of over 6 months. I was bound to be “hungry”, maybe even bordering “greedy” (If you know what I mean)

I catch Srivatu standing next to the elevator drooling over every other girl in the shopping complex. Not that I was anything very different from him, but at least I was being discrete about it. But Srivatu – that moron was gaping open mouthed. It was kind of the reaction you would expect from Chuck Noland (of Castaway fame) if he was suddenly teleported to the Amazon jungle (of Wonder woman fame). He was fucking drooling from the mouth.

Me: “Dae macha …”
Srivatu: “Hey Sharath … I didn’t see you man …”
Me: “I can see that!!!”
Srivatu: “You can’t blame me … She’s got bigger tits than you!!!”
Me: “Fuck you man … You bloody pervert!”
Srivatu: “Ha ha ha ha …”


That’s Srivatsan for you …


We spent the next 1 hour catching up on what had happened in each others lives over the last 6 months. A quick dinner at KFC (which btw - was delicious. Thank you Colonel Sanders) and we head to our respective homes.

Before going home, I bought a bottle of Smirnoff Triple Distilled Vodka from the FabMall store at Forum. It was just 9.00 pm. I ordinarily didn’t sleep till 12 or 1 am. That meant – I had about 4 hours to kill, and I had nothing better to do that this.


Once home, I tried to get the caretaker of the house to make me something to snack upon (I never had vodka without something to eat). Initially the guy was like “I’m sorry sir … The kitchen closes after 9 o clock!” A 10 buck commission later – “He was like – would like Onion Pakkoda or Egg Pakkoda?”
As the wise say – “The world revolves around money!” and this was a demonstration of the principle.

6 shots of vodka later, I am totally sloshed, and asleep!

Final Destination – Bangalore

I had been asked my travel agent to get down at a place called Silk Board. Once I got down, I was to take a rickshaw to BTM Stage I. I had been booked accommodation at a service apartment somewhere there. He had assured me that it was a famous one and I would have no issues finding it.

At 5.00 am, the bus conductor wakes me up. “Sir … We’ve reached Silk Board … You wanted to get off here – right?”
I thank him for waking me up, collect my luggage and get off. I had barely gotten off the bus when I was flocked by rickshaw wallas trying to lure me to get into their auto instead of the others. I randomly picked one guys and head over to his rickshaw. I showed him the address, and he nodded saying he knew the place. Being used to the auto system in Chennai – where, by the way, the autorickshaw meters move faster than the autos themselves (thanks to having been sabotaged) – I asked him “How much for the ride?”. He says “100 bucks”. I was a little stumped on hearing the amount. But being half asleep, and under the impression that BTM Stage I is far away, I agreed to his demands.

He starts his auto, takes the first left and the next right and voila, we are in front of my service apartments. I was left wondering – “I have to pay this creep 100 bucks for this short a trip? I could’ve walked to this place! Heck – these blokes are worse than their counterparts in Chennai!!!”
But heck – it was a company reimbursed trip. What did I care if he siphoned off 100 bucks from me? It was Diapro’s money at the end of the day. With that thought I handed over 100 bucks and headed up my room.

My room turned out to be a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge one. It came with a cupboard, a TV, an A/C, a table, a king sized bed, et al. I was blown over by the sort of luxurious treatment that was being meted to me. I was finally beginning to experience some sort of a respect or happiness of working for Diapro.

But, at that moment panic struck me. Oh … you’re probably wondering why. Let me take a minute to explain why!

As per Diapro policies, when a person travels on a company trip, he/she will be given a cash advance of a MAXIMUM of Rs. 5000/-. The remaining has to be paid from his pocket, and if he is lucky – as I would soon find out – and only then is he reimbursed for it.

The Diapro justification to the above policy was, “We pay the actuals’ of the expenses incurred during the trip. And if you provide us with bills for the same – we will refund the same!”
But, every Tom, Dick and Harry in the company knew that the actual reason for this was– “Instead of giving him money, I will make him spend money. And once he does that, I will refund only part of the total amount – citing various policies and practices as to why “xyz” expense can not be covered under the corporate reimbursement policy! And this way – It’s his headache to get the money from us, not ours to get the money from him!”

Sadly, naïve as I was when I joined company, I wasn’t aware of the corporate conspiracy behind this whole policy – and I fell for it!!!


So, going back to where I started, the Rs. 5000/-. I had been allotted a referral guest house for my stay at Bangalore. And the charge was supposed to be Rs. 1600/-.
Since they hadn’t mentioned whether this was for a day or for the 15 days I was supposed to be there, I comfortably assumed the latter.
In my defense, I came from a college where we paid 300 rupees per month as room rent. And since this was a guest house of the company – I had no reason to believe that they would charge the cost center for anything more than the maintenance fees.

Again – Another one of my stupid and costly mistakes!!!


Well … Back to Bangalore and my big and kick ass room! So – I had come to Bangalore with 5000 bucks, and I was staring at a room for which I would have to pay a rent of Rs. 1600 /- per day.
My mind was thinking – “Wow … You just landed in Bangalore, and you got your arse whipped here too!!!”

But, I knew that something could be worked out. Worst-come-worst-case I’d have to take a loan from one of my friends/roomies. No big deal. So – that said and done, I head for a quick shave and shower.

I check my watch. It says 7.00 am. Time to call Savita’s and ask her for directions to the office.

(Tring … Tring … Tring …)
Savita: “Hello …”
Me: “Hi Savita … Sharath here …”
Savita: “Oh hi … you’ve landed already kya?”
Me: “Oh yes … as a matter of fact I landed at 5 am itself. I didn’t want to disturb you that’s why I didn’t call you till now.”
Savita: “Oh no worries … I’m already at office!”

I was stunned. What sort of an idiot goes to office at this time of the day? Not only is this girl un-attractive, but, she also turned out to be a stupid nerd! Just my luck!!!

Me: “So early???”
Savita: “Oh yeah … We have an early morning bus … I generally take that!”
Me: “Well … I’m still at home. I think I’ll need a good hour plus to get there. I hope that’s ok?”
Savita: “Sure … No hurries … Give me a call when you get here. I am in building 17, 4th floor.”
Me: “Cool … I’ll see you – hopefully – in another hour”
Savita: “Fine then … Bye!”
Me: “Have a nice day … Bye!”

And I got off the phone.


I ask the caretaker of the guest house for directions to the office, and thanks to the fact that this guest office had seen many Diapro guests, he asked me to take a rickshaw to our Electronic City.

Me: “How far is it from here?”
Caretaker: “About 12 kms sir …”

Oh … Oh … That’s bad news. I was charged 100 bucks for a 25 feet trip in the morning. If I travel 12 kms, I might have to sell of my kidney to pay for the rickshaw. Heck – I’d even have to sell off the caretakers kidneys!!!

Me: “The autos here, are the expensive?”
Caretaker: “No sir … You only need to pay the meter charge!”
Me: “But I was charged 100 bucks for the trip from Silk Board to the guest house today morning!”
Caretaker: “Sir … In the mornings and after 10 pm they charge exorbitant rates!”
Me: “Oh … Like that eh … Cool … Thanks for the inputs man … I owe you one!”
Caretaker: “It is my duty sir …”

With a smile, I head out for my first day at Diapro Bangalore. Heck – I am lying - I didn’t a damn about reaching office on time. What I wanted was to get out on the streets and see all those IT professional chicks - which Bangalore was so famous for – before they got on their company buses and left!

The climate was pleasant, and as soon as I hit the main road I could see hordes of babes moving around. All sizes, all shapes, all ages, all colors. “Man … The hype was 101% true … This was babe central …” Finally, lady luck was smiling at me.


I quickly hire a rickshaw and head to my office. Savita would be waiting for me.

Jan 1st 2006 – Even the longest and the most screwed up years start with the first day!

Around 8.30 am, I got up. More like – I had to get up! Suji’s (short for Sujitha) had gotten up, and like every kid his age, the first thing he did was wake the whole family up.

I was surprised to see Suji sitting there on the sofa and smiling that really sweet smile of hers.
Suji: “Good morning da … Slept well?”
Me: “Yeah … Really well … How come you’re up so early?”
Suji: “Well … I’m used to getting up early. And btw – Happy New Year da!”
Me: “Happy New year to you too sweets … Where’s Kakku and Ayyub?”
Suji: “Those lazy bums haven’t gotten up yet!”

Another 5 minutes later, I saw Kakku and Ayyub in the hall. Clearly, Omm had visited their room as well. Sally and Hasna had joined us as well. By this time auntie had come into the hall holding a tray of coffee and tea for the whole group.

I exchanged another round of “Good Mornings” and “Happy New Year” with the rest of the crew and headed off to the washroom to clean up.

After our coffees, I lean over to Suji’s ear and whisper “Dude … Do u have any idea how off u were yesterday?”
Suji: “Really … I don’t remember anything da!”
Me: “Don’t worry sweets … I have everything on video … I took the liberty yesterday …”

Saying this I flip fish out my cell phone and hand it over to Suji. An obviously puzzled and curious Suji starts watching the video. Another 5 mins later, she was all smiles.

Suji: “Wow … I didn’t know alcohol could do this to people.”
Me: “You’re a first timer Na … No worries … You will improve over time … I promise!”
Suji: “Well … I’m looking forward to that …”


One thing I could say for sure - after the experience the previous night – Me, Suji, Ayyub, and Kakku were going to be really good friends for life. Heck – It was a wonderful New Year after all!

After a sumptuous breakfast, I decided to head to my aunts place. I had promised them that I’d be there by lunch time and that we would dine together. After thanking auntie and Suji for their hospitality and for letting me stay the night, I head over to my house to clean up.


After a quick shower and change of clothes, I head over to my aunts place. Oh before I forget – Jabar had not yet returned. I bet he was at his girls place. “The lucky bastard…” I thought before heading out.


Once at my aunt’s place, I wished everyone – my sis, uncle and auntie – a Very Happy New Years’, and they reciprocated in kind. Once the initial hungama settled down, my aunt started off with her interrogation
Auntie: “Where were you yesterday?”
Me: “I was invited to dinner by a few friends from work.”
Auntie: “And …”
Me: “I went over had dinner with those guys and came back home”
Auntie: “Hmmmm … So you didn’t go to any club or bar yesterday?”

Obviously I had expected these questions from her, and I had rehearsed my answers on my ride from my place to hers.

Me: “Ayooooooeee … Why would you think I’d do that? Those places are extremely expensive to go to, and I’m not stupid to go there!”
Auntie: “Don’t lie to me da …”
Me: “Seriously auntie … Why would I lie to you. I work at Diapro remember. I don’t earn enough to party at these so called clubs.”

That did it. She decided to call it quits.
Maybe that last statement was the debate winner. Or for all you know - maybe she wasn’t very bothered about where I was the previous night. But heck – the interrogation had ended, and I wasn’t about to incite another round of it by clarifying the same with her.


My sis – who I confided in – leans over and started her interrogation
Sis: “Where were you yesterday?”
Me: “I was at a friends place … My roomie was there at home … So – I went over to her place to spend New Years”
Sis: “HER???”
Me: “Oh … don’t worry … she’s married, and she had a kid!”
Sis: (Obviously relieved) “Oh … then no problems!”
Me: “I had a fun time … We had dinner … We all got together for a movie after that … wished each other Happy New Year and then crashed!” I lied.
Sis: “Oh that’s nice …”

I felt guilty lying to her. I’m a little protective about my friends, and I didn’t want Suji to look like a bad person in front of them. So, I had to lie. It didn’t make me feel good, and I knew I was going to hell for it – but I lied. But hey - In my defense I’d like to quote Winston Churchill “A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do”.

Enough of this melodrama!!! Let’s move on!

An eventless half-day later, I started packing for my trip - that night - to Bangalore.

As per the Diapro travel policies, I was eligible for a Volvo A/C Sleeper Bus tickets, or a 2nd A/C Train tickets for my travel. I had chosen the former. Why? It was the more expensive one. And I simply wanted to get as much out of this trip - and Diapro for that matter - as possible. Hey – In my defense, they were paying me peanuts as salary, and there was no such thing as a job satisfaction. Hence, this was my way of getting revenge!


So, at around 10 pm, I head over to Koyambeddu bus terminus (that’s where I was supposed to board my bus). The auto rickshaws of Chennai are most famous for two things
1. Meters that spins faster than their autos move.
2. The mind boggling – exorbitant even – rates they charge.
And true to their reputation, I was charged 100 bucks for a 4 kms trip. But heck - It was the first time I was traveling by an A/C sleeper bus, and frankly, I was very excited about the whole deal.
I must say, I was very pleased with the sort of facilities and comfort the bus offered. The only disadvantage to it – V/S its train counterpart – was that there were no toilets.
In the event I wanted to take a leak, I had to do it in open air. But hey – I was a guy and let’s call it One-of-the-Perks-of-being-born-as-a-guy – “The world is your toilet!” So, as per me, it wasn’t a major disadvantage at all.

So, I settle down for a nice well deserved sleep. Tomorrow morning, Bangalore!!!

New Years 2006 – JACKED with a capital J !!!

Pak had informed me that my KT was to start on 2-Jan-2006. In the enthusiasm to go to Bangalore, I had agreed. But, it was only when I came back home that I realized that this meant my New Year plans would be jacked.

I had planned to go home to Cochin for the weekend and spend the New Years celebrating with mom and dad. It was nothing phenomenal. All we did – every year at New Years – was go to a club called the “Rama Varma Club” in cochin, sit through some boring Orchestra sessions, watch a few of the older member uncles get drunk and make a fool of themselves on. If you’re wondering how that happens – well, try drinking a lot of whisky and then get your friends to convince you that you are a good singer. The next thing you’ll know (read as – what you’ll hear from your friends/family/wife) is that you stumbled up on stage, snatched the mike from the singer onstage and then started singing some number from the 60’s in a completely drunk stupor. At his expense, we all had a good laugh.
But, the whole idea behind the exercise of spending New Years at my parents’ house was just to keep them happy. Ever since I went to college, I’ve never been able to make it any of the Keralaite functions like Onam, Vishu, Diwali, etc. And this was my way of making amend. Think of it as my 10 cents towards keeping that big smile on mom and dad’s face.

But now, thanks to these new plans, I had to cancel on that!
:-(

With a heavy heart I call up mom and dad and explain to them that I won’t be able to make it for new years’ this year. It was obvious that they were upset. But as dad put – “All we want is the best for you. And there is no chance in hell you’re screwing up your career to come to Cochin. New Year will come next year also. We’ll party then!”

In those 2 mins, the tables had turned. I had called thinking I’d have to console my parents about having to cancel our New Year plans, and now – Dad was telling me “Don’t worry son … Everything is going to be alright!”
But heck – that’s what makes them the best parents ever. Mom and dad – You two Rock!!!

There was no chance in hell I was going to spend 31st in the train. Call me superstitious if you must – but the last time I did that – I ended up having a screwed up year. I broke my leg. Dad grounded me on more than one occasion (something he never ever does, unless I’m beating the shit out of my brother and he happens to see it “live”), I had my cycle given away to some idiot at dad’s office - because dad caught me trying to race with a paandi lorry … (you get the general idea!)

So, to avoid such a “bad” year again, I had specifically instructed the travel desk to get me tickets for 1-Jan-2006. It was a Sunday, and since I’d get to Bangalore by around 5 am, I could easily make it to work. And to Pak, it meant reduced billing to the account (if you didn’t know – the Pespi account would have to bear my living expenses whilst I was in Bangalore on relocation) – so he gladly agreed.


Now, with that settled, I needed something to do for new years. John, Sanju, Thommi, GayM and Binna were heading to their respective homes on the 27th of Dec itself. That left me with Jabar.

There were two reasons I didn’t prefer that.
1. He never boozed (“I’m a Muslim, and so I am not allowed to booze!” is what he always came up with in his defense. But the million dollar question we roomies asked him was – “You have affairs with all the sluttish girls in your office. That’s not very Muslim like is it! But when we ask you to join us for a drink you always give us this stupid excuse eh!” But – charming as he was – he always gave us a stupid grin and the topic was dropped). And since he didn’t booze, it wasn’t going to be any fun to hit a New Years party with him.
2. That bloke already had a date (Dates is more like it) for New Years.


That left me in a dilemma. The only other choice I had was to spend New Years’ at my uncles and aunts place. And that - to me atleast - was torture personified. Come on – think of it … My uncle would ask me to switch the TV off at 9.30, and at 10.00 pm – if I hadn’t slept by then – I’d get a solid 30 min lecture on why the children of my generation was going to hell!!!
Not a very pretty way of spending New Years’ eh!

So, in a confused and despair filled stupor, I called one of my closest friends Sumitha.

Let me take a diversion here from the main story and take a moment to explain how me and Sumitha met and became such good friends.


We had a mallu (short for Malayali) group at Diapro. And the members were pretty cool (read as fun to talk to). And since I had nothing important to do, I had dedicated my time to network with them and make new friends.
So, It was just another day at work, and (as always) I was googling for something or the other when I get this forward from someone called Sumitha. Her name struck me. It was not something you hear every day. I looked her up on the Diapro People Portal (christened “Finder” by Diapro) and what I saw was a reasonably attractive lady smiling away to glory.
Instincts kicked in and before you knew it – I had sent her a reply.

The usual crappy pick up lines - “Hi … How are you … I am from Cochin … Where are u from …”.
And I think she was equally jobless, because within 2 mins, I received the reply to that mail.
We exchanged a few more mails, and that’s when I asked her to come online for a chat. She – being jobless to the core, like most fellow Diapro’ites – acceded.

One thing led to the other, and I suggested that we meet for a juice at the office canteen in another 30 mins. I dunno whether it’s because I am “that good” or whether it was because she was in the mood for a juice – but she agreed.
But, somehow, something about marriage came up during our chat and I told her – “You should invite me to ur marriage when it happens!”

She was like – “Ayyoooo … I am already married and I have a kid!”

I was like – “Fuck you Sharath … you wasted your time – AGAIN!!! And this time – she’s not only married, she also has a KID!!! Your juice ka paisa Goooooovindaaaaaaaaaa!!!”

But, heck, I had already invited her for a juice. And it was too late to back off. Atleast I’ve made a new friend (sounds a tad like the good ol “Grapes and the Fox” story eh!)

That’s how we met. From that meeting, our friendship grew leaps and bounds. She was cool to hang out with, and I had realized had a made a gold mine of a discovery for a friend.


Now, back to main story …


So, its 31st Dec, around 7 pm. I don’t have a date, my house is empty, and I shudder at the thought of having to go to my uncles’ place and spend the New Years’ there. I was thinking – I’d rather sit alone at home, play some music and get drunk here rather than go over there.

With this depressing thought, I decided to call up Sumitha. Atleast I should wish her before the networks jam.

I explained the shit-hole I was in, and she coolly suggested – “Why don’t you join us for New Year?”
Me: “What???”
Sumitha: “Yeah … Why don’t you … Me, Amma, Omm, Kakku, Ayyub, Sally and Hasna will be there. It’ll be cool if you join us …”

Omm was Sumitha’s 8 month old son, Kakku was Sumitha’s younger sister, Ayyub was Kakku's hubby, Sally and Hasna were two of her closest friends. And I was honored that she had thought of me as close enough to invite to such a private party.

Me: “Are you sure … I don’t want to barge into a family thingy you see!”
Sumitha: “Are you nuts … And what’s with the formality? Something the matter?”
Me: “No da … Just trying not to end up as an pain-in-the-arse for your family outing”
Sumitha: “Shut up fool … So – we’ll be going to Kabab Court on ECR. Why don’t you join us in another 30 mins?”
Me: “Wow … thanks for the invite man. You just saved my day!”
Sumitha: “No sweat …”
Me: “But sweety … Is there anything else planned for the after-dinner session? I don’t want to remain sober on New Years’ ever” I asked with a mischievous note.
Sumitha: “You come over da … It’ll be worth your while …” She said with an equally mischievous note


And so, it was settled. I was going to celebrate New Years’ with Sumitha family…


I take 20 mins to call up all my friends and family member and wish them a Happy New Year in advance. The justification I gave was – “The network will be jammed at mid night. That’s why!” when in reality I meant – “I don’t know how drunk I will be then, so – I’m doing all the wishing well in advance!”
:D

A quick shower, some hair gel, and I am off to Kabab Court… I didn’t go 1 km when I got stuck in a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge traffic block. It was New Years’ eve, and all the happening parties were happening on all the private beaches along ECR. All these cars were heading over. Well … No use complaining – there is no other option but to wait.
Thankfully, Sumitha’s car was also caught up in traffic. So – I didn’t have to worry about standing them up!
Another gruesome 35 mins pass, and I manage to find a parking spot at Kabab Court. (ordinarily, it would’ve taken my 5 mins to get there)

Still a little apprehensive about having to barge into her families thunder, I enter the restaurant and look around for Sumitha.
“Sharath … Over here …”
Tracing the source of the voice, I found Sumitha – and the rest of the crew - sitting at the corner table – almost hidden from view.

Heck, I had come this far, Its too late to feel remorse for having trashed her party…
Sumitha introduces me to her mom, Kakku and Ayyub, Hasna and Sally (Oh … I forgot to mention, before this date, I hadn’t met any of them). I greet them with a pleasant smile and sit down.

I saw Sumitha’s son playing at her lap. In a fraction of a second an idea struck me – “The best way to break the ice is to start playing with her kid. That way everyone will think I’m a nice guy!”

So, I take her son in my lap and start making all sorts of weird sounds. People who’re reading this and think I’m weird – “Hey … this is what they do in the movies …” Besides, I didn’t have too much experience around kids. The only kid I knew was my niece Neha, and she was hardly 2 months old. So – in my defense, yet again I claim – I am new to handling small kids!

What the heck – back to story.

So here I am trying to make the baby smile et al. The people around the table were giving me an appreciative glance, and I was thinking at the back of my head – “Its working!!!”.
That’s when, Omm reached out for the soup bowl on my table. And as you’d have guessed it – the bloody soup toppled – onto my lap.

I had two options, drop the kid and clean the soup. Or hold the kid, and let the scorching burn on my thighs burn on. Obviously, I couldn’t drop the kid. It just wasn’t the sane thing to do. It’d make me look like one of those creepy “serial killer” in the movies AND more importantly - get kicked out of this party. So, without a choice, I held on to Omm and let the soup burn my thighs.

Thankfully, Kakku, who was right next to me, took Omm from my hand giving me a chance to mop my soiled pants. “WTF … It was a brand new pair of jeans … And that too Lee Cooper!!!”

A moment later I thought to myself - “What the hell… It was not as if he did it on purpose… Besides, he’s just a small baby … And hey – on the positive side – Ice Breaking session was 101% successful. People here love me!”

With that victorious feeling in mind, I excused myself to the men’s room, cleaned up and came back. And guess what – Aunty (Sumitha’s mom) was offering me her bowl of soup. She went like – “You didn’t even get to have a sip … Here … Take mine … It tastes good you know!”

I wasn’t a stranger anymore. I was being treated like family. “Woooooooooooooow!!! Thanks Omm … You just made my day!”


And after a tasty, sumptuous, fun-filled, chat-laden dinner, we head home for the after party.


Its only when I went home with them, I realized that Sally and Hasna were room mates. They stayed on the ground floor, whereas Sumitha stayed on the 4th floor.

We all headed up to Sumitha’s apartments’, and there we chit-chat for about 30 mins. (We didn’t want Aunty to suspect we were up to no good did we!)
;-)

After about 30 mins pass, Sumitha eyed me and Ayyub to go get the bottles. I signaled Ayyub and we both left. We told Aunty, “We’re going for a quick stroll …”
I’m not sure whether she understood what was on our minds, or she was indeed so naïve to believe that we were probably going for a stroll – but she didn’t even raise an eyebrow.

Together, me and Ayyub head over to the TASMAC shop (as it is called in Tamil Nadu) to buy Vodka.
Its not like I fancied vodka, but since the ladies were beginners (except Sally – who was a veteran in this field), we settled for it.

Since Ayyub had paid for the dinner, I wanted to sponsor the bottles. After a little bit of insisting on my part, he agreed.
A couple of bottles of Limca, Soda and Sprite and we were good to head back.

Obviously, we couldn’t take the drinks up to Sumitha’s place. Aunty would probably throw us all out. So, we decided to stash the stuff at Sally’s place and come back for em later into the night.

I headed up to get the apartment keys from Sally, and Ayyub stood guard downstairs. 10 mins later, we had stashed the stuff into her fridge and were back at Sumitha’s.

Everyone got together and we spent the next hour chatting about a lot of topics, ranging from the screwed up company that Diapro was to our futures, etc, etc, etc …

Around 11.00 clock, Omm and Aunty pucker up and head to the bedroom to sleep. We – Ayyub, myself, Kakku, Sally, Hasna – excuse ourselves saying we want to stay up till the stroke of 12 and head over to Sally’s apartments. Sumitha said she’d join us once Omm and mom was asleep.

Heck, I didn’t care if she came. If she didn’t – it just meant more Vodka for me. If she came – It meant more masti. After all – as the wise say – “The more the merrier!”
It was a win-win situation for me.

Once at Sally’s place, we run around to get everything in order – glasses, snacks, ice-cubes, paper, ashtrays, etc. For the non-drinkers out there – just so that you know - It’s a lot of work to organize a party. But hey – It’s worth every bit of it!
:)

Somehow, once everything was ready, I suggested that we wait for Sumitha. After all – It was she who had invited me over. And besides - she wanted to “start” boozing.

Another 20 mins later – Sumitha knocks on the door, and voila the party began!


The first-timers, Hasna and Sumitha, were very enthralled about the whole deal. The looks on their faces was the same as that you’d see on a 6 yr old when you got him his first cycle. I poured them both a large vodka, topped their glasses with Sprite.
Ayyub and me, on the other hand, preferred Vodka with Limca.
Sally – being the veteran that she was – proceeded to pour herself a double large, added some ice and some vodka.
We muttered cheers (as is the custom before drinking) and the party was officially kick started. Another 20 mins later, Sumitha, Sally and Hasna had already washed down 2 rounds each. Hasna was sitting in one corner – silent as silent can be. Whereas Sally and Sumitha – well they were making complete jokers of themselves.

It was an ecstatic visual treat - Watching Sumitha muttering all sorts of nonsensical glib. Me and Ayyub – we were still on round 1 – were thoroughly enjoying ourselves.

Well … For those who are very sharp and give importance to detail, they must’ve realized by now that I haven’t talked about Kakku in this party. Well, its for good reason. Kakku was 8 months pregnant around that time. And hence – we had forbid her from boozing. So – she was busy sitting in one corner finishing off all the chicken fry we had bought.

Another 20 mins, and the clock struck mid-night. “Yahooooooooo … 2006 is here!”
We exchanged hugs and wishes and continued with the boozing. By now, Sumitha and Sally were flat out. Sumitha could hardly stand, Sally was dancing, and even the so-far silent Hasna was opening up and muttering some nonsense.
Poor Ayyub and me… We had just got onto our second round of drinks and by then the bottle was over. The girls had emptied it.
So much for getting drunk and passing out… But bottom line – It was better to have everyone around you drunk rather than getting drunk yourself.

“Kudos to all you wonderful people … “

Another 30 mins later the party was officially over (read as there was no more Vodka or Chicken left!).
Sumitha being too drunk to walk slept on the couch. Sally and Hasna went to their rooms. I went upstairs – to Sumitha’s flat – along with Ayyub and Kakku.

Knowledge Transition - Delayed

For some reason, my Knowledge Transition – or KT as it is called in IT circles – got delayed. And it was not until early Dec, that I had received an e-mail from Pak giving me the final dates of the transition. Finally – I was this close to becoming billable. ‘
And to add to that, I was informed that since Savita was based in the Bangalore office, the first 15 days of the KT would require me to travel to Bangalore, and the last 15 days – she’d work off our Chennai office.

My joy knew no bounds. I had never been to Bangalore. I had heard volumes about the city from my friends who had traveled to it. After close to 6 months at Chennai - everything about the climate, the beauty, the sights and sounds of Bangalore enthralled me.


Ok … I am lying. I didn’t give a shit about what the city looked like. What enthralled me was the vivid descriptions of what the babes looked like, how easy they were to “pick-up”, the night life, easy availability to tequila (We don’t get anything besides the regular whisky/brandy/rum/beers in Chennai).
All this and that too on company tab – wooooooooooooooooooooooow !!!


“Bangalore … Here I come!!!”

Savita – The “Discussion”

About a week later, Pak announced that Savita had completed the Transition plan and I would start on the transition immediately. But, before the dates for the KT (aka Knowledge Transition) were finalized, Pak suggested it would be a good idea to touch base with Savita to understand if there were any pre-requisite subjects that I would need to read up on.

Wow, I was being asked to speak to a girl! I mean – I am the kindda guy looks for an excuse to talk to a babe. And here I was – being requested by my manager to speak to some girl in Bangalore. Who the hell cared if I had to talk about work? If I played my cards right, maybe I could steer the topic away from work and into flirting.

But before that – I needed to check out how this chick looked. So – I rushed to my desktop, logged into our company’s employee search portal, and keyed in Savita’s name and waited!

5 secs … 10 secs … 15 secs … “Why is that damn portal so freaking slow!!!”
Time was doing that slowing down thing again. Another 5 secs later – the screen comes up showing a not so attractive girl.
“Fuck!!! Not again!!! Why is always me???” was what racing through my mind again. But, justice be done – I had gotten used to that feeling by now. And so – With no further ado, and no “evil” intentions in mind, I proceeded to call her.

What followed is 25 mins of pure professional conversation about what the project was all about (Yup … she too echoed whatever crap Pak had given me about this project being the next best thing to happen to me!)

Towards the end of the conversation, out of curiosity, I asked Savita – “Why do you want to leave the project?” And for this, she gave me a well rehearsed answer – “I’ve been on this project for about 2.9 yrs now, and I want to move to my native Hyderabad due to some family reasons. Hence, I wanted to move out.”

Sounded fair and logical enough … So – I left it at that. But, it was only another 2 months later, when she had officially transitioned out of the project, when she revealed the REAL reason as to why she wanted to leave!
(More on that in due course)

Once our discussion was over, we said our good bye’s to each other and cut the call. After this, as was the practice, I sent out an e-mail to Vrunda and Pak about the points we had discussed during the meeting and the action items which lay ahead for me.


Come 6.00 pm – I head home.
(That had become a ritual by now!)

Doomsday Conspiracy Part I - The First Dosage of QPLC

Being an ardent investor in the stock market, I knew that Diapro stocks were doing exceedingly well that quarter. The value has increased by about Rs. 50/- in the last 2 months alone. And that was a good 15% growth.

As a Diapro employee, the first thing that struck me on seeing the stocks perform so damn well was – “Wow … My QPLC is going to be atleast a 150% assured amount this time!”

Boy-o-Boy … Was I in for a nasty surprise!

Pay day arrives; I see that there is no additional 7650 in the salary (Rs. 1700 * 3 * 1.5). But guess what – I was not surprised.

I had been working at Diapro for over 6 months now. And by this time, I had gotten used to receiving my salary on the 5^th of a month (justice be done – that issue was caused by a fault on TBI’s end), never receiving what I “expected” would be my salary for the month.

So, in a completely drunk stupor, I check my pay-slip, and this is what it looked like:

This Statement is best viewed in Courier New Font size '8'

DIAPRO TECHNOLOGIES

A Division of Diapro Limited

MONTH/YEAR  : JANUARY   2006                 ATTD   : 31

EMPCODE     : 111500                         PF NO. : KN/11394/007

NAME        : SHARATH KUMAR R                GENDER : MALE

LOCATION    : CHENNAI

MODE        : BANK                           A/c No.: TBI   - 30008960000         

LOAN BALANCE: 10000                          NETPAY : 17012         

EARNINGS          REGULAR        ARREARS   DEDUCTIONS

BASIC             5100.00           0.00   IT                 782.00

COMMUTATION        800.00           0.00   LOANS             2000.00

GRPALLW           5341.00        1650.00   MBS                  5.00

HRA               2040.00           0.00   MEDCLAIM           120.00

QPLC              5100.00           0.00   PF                 612.00

SPLALLW            500.00           0.00                  

---------------------------------------------------------------------

TOTAL:           18881.00        1650.00   TOTAL             3519.00

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Q3 QPLC ELIGIBILITY 

---------------------    

MONTH                 ELIGIBILITY    

------                -----------    

OCT                    1700.00

NOV                    1700.00

DEC                    1700.00

                      ---------

TOTAL(A)               5100.00

                      ---------

Most Prominent Domain during the quarter : RETAIL

Diapro Technologies level achievement for the quarter Oct-Nov-Dec 05-06 is as below:

      Sales Achievement        :  97.41% 

      Profit Achievement       : 104.63% 

As per QPLC policy, QPLC for October is paid at guaranteed 100% of eligible amount.

Q3 QPLC PAID

-----------------------------

Oct 05      :        1700.00

Nov & Dec 05:        3400.00

Total QPLC  :        5100.00

I was left wondering, a company that outperformed every investor’s predictions, was reporting to the employees that they had not performed as per their targets?

This could be because - they were lying, or they had such unfeasible and impossible projections.

And in both cases – I had been robbed of the extra QPLC I was supposed to get – Period!

But heck, these grease monkeys at Diapro had a written agreement from me stating that I would take all the bloody punishment, humiliation, and torture and cheating that they would and could throw at me – and that too with a smiling face.

(If you’re wondering “What in the world is he saying?” well, that’s what the Corporate Policies of Diapro narrated!)

I knew I was trapped, and by now, I had realized that there was no point in making a hue and cry about it. Nothing could be done. I had learnt to accept it – Period!

With no emotions in particular, I continue my work (which even now consisted of googling for some hot supermodel or movie star)

Interview Results

As expected, I was very eager and anxious to know whether I had made the part!

I rushed to work, and headed over to Pak’s cube - after the morning coffee and checking my mail and sending a few hundred forwards i.e. - only to find him staring at his screen AGAIN!

(I was beginning to think, Is this what they pay him for – to keep staring at the bloody monitor like a frigging moron ALL the time!)

Me: “Hey Pak … good Morning!”

Pak: “Hey Hi … Morning!”

Me: “Any inputs from the client yet?”

Pak: (smiling his fiendish smile) “Yup … Guess what – you got the part … Congrats man!”

Me: (smiling away to glory) “Yipeeeeeeee … Thanks for the good news Pak … Music to my ears.”

Pak: “Nice to hear that …”

Me: “What’re are the next steps?”

Pak: “There is a person called Savita who working on this project now. I will be asking her to formulate a project plan for you Knowledge Transition. Once that is finalized, I will let you know. Ok?”

Me: “Sounds like a plan … Once again – Thanks for the good news!”

Celebration time (aka coffee break)!!! I round up the guys (Meen and Aadi. Ram had somehow moved out of our group. Maybe it was because he was too busy, or maybe because the rest of us were not in his intellectual bracket. Heck, whatever it was – we respected his decision, and didn’t “disturb” him when we went out for coffee!)

The Client Interview

The following week - if I remember correctly, it was a Wednesday - I was scheduled to have my interview with the clients. I was to call a guy named Richard Martin.

Sounded like a breeze to me… I had never failed to perform in any interview so far. No reason why this should be any different.

So, at the stipulated time of 6.30 pm, I dial up Rich’s work phone.

Rich: “Hello Martin …”

Me: “Oh Sorry … I think I got the number wrong… Sorry for the trouble!”

If you didn’t realize what the blooper was, let me explain. The Americans refer to each other by their last name, while we Indians refer to each other by our first names!

I was expecting to hear a “Hello Richard here …” and ended up cutting the call when I heard something else.

What the heck. I’ll try again …

Rich: “Hello Martin …”

Me: (A little cautious this time) “Am I speaking to Richard Martin?”

Rich: “Yes … Who’s this?”

Me: “Hi … This is Sharath here from India … I’m calling about the interview.”

Rich: “Oh yes … How are ya?”

Me: “Great … How are you doing?”

Rich: “Fine Thank You … Wait a sec, let get my colleague Henry in here as well … “

Me: “Sure thing …”

A couple of secs later, Henry arrived, and the interview began. Obviously, it was a simple one. It was a bloody non-techie project, and if I could clear a techie interview in college, clearly this one was a cheese-cake!

30 minutes later, the interview ends. We exchange pleasantries, and part our ways.

I had a good feeling about the whole thing. I knew I must’ve cleared it – especially given that I had answered all their questions and queries correctly.

But still, it was an interview. And it was possible that I would not be selected for the opening.

Albeit nervous, I head over to Pak’s cube to inform him of the same, only to find that he is even more nervous and anxious than me to find out how the interview went.

Me: “It was fine Pak … They sounded pretty happy … Hopefully, I got the part!”

Pak: “Well … Great … I’ll follow up with them. I’ll let you know the results tomorrow.”

With that, I head over to the office canteen for a quick snack before heading home.

Discussion with Pakhir

As usual, he is busy staring at his screen (yet another forward probably!).

Me: “Pakhir … You got a minute?”

Pakhir: (yet another minute later) “Oh … Sharath … come in … Take a seat.”

Me: “Pak, I just had a discussion with Vrunda about the project. And, she mentioned that there is no coding in this project. But, you had mentioned that there were some ASP and .NET components. I just wanted some clarity on that!”

Pakhir: (a little flustered) “Oh … Really? Well … Vrunda knows the intricacies of the project best. So, if she says there is no coding, there is probably no coding.”

Obviously, I was very let down. I was expecting a good coding related project, and I had landed myself a project that had zero coding. I didn’t want to let go of the “I-will-become-billable” aspect either. In short – my mind was a war zone by now.

I think Pak must’ve seen this confusion that I was experiencing. His concern – I am sure – would have risen not out of a genuine concern for having to put me into a no-coding project, but more out of a need to convince me not to say “Sorry … I am not interested in such a project!”

Pakhir: “Don’t worry man. It isn’t that bad. If you want to code that badly, there are so many internal projects going on. We can always get you a good developer role in one of them”

Me: “Pakhir … Thanks for the offer. But, internal projects are not as exciting as the real thing. Especially, since there aren’t any deadlines!”

Pakhir: (Obviously sensing an imminent No from my end) “Oh … In that case, I can put you as an shadow resource in some client project in our account. That way you can get a taste of the actual pressure and deadlines etc.”

Me: (Feeling enthused and motivated) “Wow … Really?”

Pakhir: “Yes … I can definitely assure you that … We can work out the details later though … Trust me - I’ll blow your head off with so many challenging assignments that I am sure you will finally come to me saying – “Pakhir, I can’t take it … Please pull me of these projects” “

Me: “That sounds very lucrative …”

Pakhir: “So … what do you say?”

Me: “Count me in. Vrunda mentioned that there would be a client interview shortly. I’m looking forward to it!”

Pakhir: “Great … I’ll give Vrunda the green signal. Ok … See you later!”

Me: “Have a wonderful evening!”

I couldn’t believe my luck! I had just been offered a billable role – thereby assuring my job security – and also an unofficial shadow-resource role in the many “Development Mode” projects that were going on in the account. This way, I could opt out of the project if it got too hectic for me.

It sounded like – “Have all the sex you want, and that too without having to commit to anyone!!!”

Yaaaaaahooooooooo … It was like a dream come true! And there was no chance in hell I was going to say no to something like that!

But, a year down the road, when I am actually penning this story, all I can think of is – “If had just said a No to that creep on that fateful evening – My life would’ve probably taken a different turn!”

If you’re wondering WHY I am thinking on those lines – Patience my dear friend … Patience … I will get to it in a bit!

Telephonic Discussion with Vrunda

I was instructed to call Vrunda around 6 pm the following day. At the specified time:

Me: “Hello … Hi … Am I talking to Vrunda?”

Vrunda: “Yes …”

Me: “Hi Vrunda … This is Sharath here from Chennai!”

Vrunda: “Oh hi Sharath … how are you?”

Me: “Great (Mimicking Pakhir’s response) … and you?”

Vrunda: “I’m good … So … Shall we discuss about the opening?”

Me: “Sure … Please go ahead …”

Vrunda: “Well … As Pakhir mentioned, the project is called Porrotta Systems Baselines Support. The client uses a product called Piperion, which as per them, is a very high priority application. It reports their financial number to the SCC. And so, they need someone efficient to support the same.”

Me: “Is Piperion something Diapro developed for the client?”

Vrunda: “Actually, No! It is a third party software which we support.”

Me: “Oh … Ok … What technology is it based on? Pakhir mentioned that there are lots of ASP and .NET components in it. I think you should know that I am a Java/J2EE resource. But, given the right time and training, I can pick up .NET as well.”

Vrunda: “Well … Piperion is primarily written in Java and VB. But, since it is a third party software, we do not have access to the code nor permissions to modify it. Hence, on the whole, there is little to no coding in this project!”

I was very let down. All my dreams of a very “bright and shining” resume had been washed down the drain. But, I needed to get into this project. I was not about to let an opportunity to become billable slip out of my hands. God knows, when the next opportunity will come along!

Me: “Hmmmmm … Any idea what Pak meant by the .NET and ASP components then?”

Vrunda: “There are a couple of asp pages that the Pespi web portal uses. But, that’s about it. And you won’t be working on it anyways. So, I am not to sure what he meant by that. You should probably check with him directly.”

Me: “Hmmmmmmmm … I think I will do just that.”

Vrunda: “Ok … So – are you interested in the opening?”

Me: “Sure thing … Count me in!”

Vrunda: “Nice. I will pass your profile to the client. They would probably request an interview with you. Once that is over, we can proceed.”

Me: (in a panicky tone) “Interview???”

Vrunda: (sensing the same) “Oh don’t worry about that. I’m sure it will be a breeze!”

Me: (feeling much better) “Thanks for the reassurance. It means a lot to me!”

Vrunda: “Anytime!”

Me: “Ok then … I will talk to Pak (aka Pakhir). Please do let me know if there are any topics I need to prepare before my interview.”

Vrunda: “Sure … I’ll give Pak my inputs and we will take it forward with the client. Deal?”

Me: “Sounds like a plan … Ok then Vrunda … Have a nice day at work…”

Vrunda: “You too … Bye!”

I was elated that she had liked my profile, and was pretty sure I would get through the “client interview” (If I could clear Diapro’s interview, client interview was gonna be a walk in the beach).

But, I had to talk about Pak regarding the “no coding” aspect of this project. So – I head over to his cube.