Discussion with Pakhir

As usual, he is busy staring at his screen (yet another forward probably!).

Me: “Pakhir … You got a minute?”

Pakhir: (yet another minute later) “Oh … Sharath … come in … Take a seat.”

Me: “Pak, I just had a discussion with Vrunda about the project. And, she mentioned that there is no coding in this project. But, you had mentioned that there were some ASP and .NET components. I just wanted some clarity on that!”

Pakhir: (a little flustered) “Oh … Really? Well … Vrunda knows the intricacies of the project best. So, if she says there is no coding, there is probably no coding.”

Obviously, I was very let down. I was expecting a good coding related project, and I had landed myself a project that had zero coding. I didn’t want to let go of the “I-will-become-billable” aspect either. In short – my mind was a war zone by now.

I think Pak must’ve seen this confusion that I was experiencing. His concern – I am sure – would have risen not out of a genuine concern for having to put me into a no-coding project, but more out of a need to convince me not to say “Sorry … I am not interested in such a project!”

Pakhir: “Don’t worry man. It isn’t that bad. If you want to code that badly, there are so many internal projects going on. We can always get you a good developer role in one of them”

Me: “Pakhir … Thanks for the offer. But, internal projects are not as exciting as the real thing. Especially, since there aren’t any deadlines!”

Pakhir: (Obviously sensing an imminent No from my end) “Oh … In that case, I can put you as an shadow resource in some client project in our account. That way you can get a taste of the actual pressure and deadlines etc.”

Me: (Feeling enthused and motivated) “Wow … Really?”

Pakhir: “Yes … I can definitely assure you that … We can work out the details later though … Trust me - I’ll blow your head off with so many challenging assignments that I am sure you will finally come to me saying – “Pakhir, I can’t take it … Please pull me of these projects” “

Me: “That sounds very lucrative …”

Pakhir: “So … what do you say?”

Me: “Count me in. Vrunda mentioned that there would be a client interview shortly. I’m looking forward to it!”

Pakhir: “Great … I’ll give Vrunda the green signal. Ok … See you later!”

Me: “Have a wonderful evening!”

I couldn’t believe my luck! I had just been offered a billable role – thereby assuring my job security – and also an unofficial shadow-resource role in the many “Development Mode” projects that were going on in the account. This way, I could opt out of the project if it got too hectic for me.

It sounded like – “Have all the sex you want, and that too without having to commit to anyone!!!”

Yaaaaaahooooooooo … It was like a dream come true! And there was no chance in hell I was going to say no to something like that!

But, a year down the road, when I am actually penning this story, all I can think of is – “If had just said a No to that creep on that fateful evening – My life would’ve probably taken a different turn!”

If you’re wondering WHY I am thinking on those lines – Patience my dear friend … Patience … I will get to it in a bit!

Telephonic Discussion with Vrunda

I was instructed to call Vrunda around 6 pm the following day. At the specified time:

Me: “Hello … Hi … Am I talking to Vrunda?”

Vrunda: “Yes …”

Me: “Hi Vrunda … This is Sharath here from Chennai!”

Vrunda: “Oh hi Sharath … how are you?”

Me: “Great (Mimicking Pakhir’s response) … and you?”

Vrunda: “I’m good … So … Shall we discuss about the opening?”

Me: “Sure … Please go ahead …”

Vrunda: “Well … As Pakhir mentioned, the project is called Porrotta Systems Baselines Support. The client uses a product called Piperion, which as per them, is a very high priority application. It reports their financial number to the SCC. And so, they need someone efficient to support the same.”

Me: “Is Piperion something Diapro developed for the client?”

Vrunda: “Actually, No! It is a third party software which we support.”

Me: “Oh … Ok … What technology is it based on? Pakhir mentioned that there are lots of ASP and .NET components in it. I think you should know that I am a Java/J2EE resource. But, given the right time and training, I can pick up .NET as well.”

Vrunda: “Well … Piperion is primarily written in Java and VB. But, since it is a third party software, we do not have access to the code nor permissions to modify it. Hence, on the whole, there is little to no coding in this project!”

I was very let down. All my dreams of a very “bright and shining” resume had been washed down the drain. But, I needed to get into this project. I was not about to let an opportunity to become billable slip out of my hands. God knows, when the next opportunity will come along!

Me: “Hmmmmm … Any idea what Pak meant by the .NET and ASP components then?”

Vrunda: “There are a couple of asp pages that the Pespi web portal uses. But, that’s about it. And you won’t be working on it anyways. So, I am not to sure what he meant by that. You should probably check with him directly.”

Me: “Hmmmmmmmm … I think I will do just that.”

Vrunda: “Ok … So – are you interested in the opening?”

Me: “Sure thing … Count me in!”

Vrunda: “Nice. I will pass your profile to the client. They would probably request an interview with you. Once that is over, we can proceed.”

Me: (in a panicky tone) “Interview???”

Vrunda: (sensing the same) “Oh don’t worry about that. I’m sure it will be a breeze!”

Me: (feeling much better) “Thanks for the reassurance. It means a lot to me!”

Vrunda: “Anytime!”

Me: “Ok then … I will talk to Pak (aka Pakhir). Please do let me know if there are any topics I need to prepare before my interview.”

Vrunda: “Sure … I’ll give Pak my inputs and we will take it forward with the client. Deal?”

Me: “Sounds like a plan … Ok then Vrunda … Have a nice day at work…”

Vrunda: “You too … Bye!”

I was elated that she had liked my profile, and was pretty sure I would get through the “client interview” (If I could clear Diapro’s interview, client interview was gonna be a walk in the beach).

But, I had to talk about Pak regarding the “no coding” aspect of this project. So – I head over to his cube.

The Grim Reaper – Pakhir Siddick

Another week passed uneventfully. The following Tuesday morning, Srikanth informed me that Pakhir – a Program Manager (A very Senior Manager with the Pespi Account) – wanted me to discuss about some project – A billable opening!

My mind was racing - “Wow … God has answered my prayers … Finally – I’m going to work on a real-time client project. And more importantly, I’ll become billable, and so – I won’t get kicked out in the event of some sort of an IT recession!”

But, you know what; God is such a funny guy. He has this really weird sense of humor that makes one want to rip his head off (Oh, you’ll know what I mean when I start telling you about the project. But for now, let’s leave it at that!)

I rush over to Pakhir’s cube, and thankfully, he is sitting there staring at his screen (maybe someone had sent him a forward and he was “engrossed” in reading it!).

Let me take a min here to describe Pakhir. He is your average next door middle-aged gentleman. Sporting a 5’ 9”, about 70 Kilos frame, I had no reason to believe otherwise. He sported a beard that looked like his children used it for Graffiti practice (I see no other explanation for the color combination I was seeing – Black+White+Brown+Silver+Burgundy. Add violet and orange, and you were probably looking at a rainbow!).

In short – I had no reason to believe that this guy was going to be a jerk, or a pain in the arse.

But boy – Was I mistaken or what!!!

(More on that in a bit.)

Me: “Excuse me Pakhir…”

Pakhir: (After a full bloody minute) “Yes …”

Me: “Hi … I am Sharath … Srikanth said you were looking for me!”

Pakhir: “Oh yes … Please sit down!”

At the back of my head I was thinking, “That sounds very gentlemanly … Maybe he’s a really nice guy after all!”

Pakhir: “How’re you doing?”

Me: “I’m good … What about you”

Pakhir: “I’m great …”

Me: (smiling) “Cool …”

Pakhir: “Lets get to the point … there is a client project that we are looking at inducting you into … What do you think about that?”

Me: (Not able to believe my luck) “Wow … That sounds wonderful … Can you please tell me more details about the project?”

Pakhir: “The Project is called Porrotta Systems Baseline Support. There are currently only 2 people in the team. One person is onsite, and you will be heading the work from offshore. The person onsite is a lady called Mandhya, and she is a Pespi resource. Vrunda is the project manager for this project, and if you’re interested, I will ask her to touch base with you with more details.”

Me: “What mode is the project on – Development/Maintenance/Support?”

There was a good reason behind asking that last question:

I had been warned by my seniors, at work, that Development projects were generally challenging and very rewarding, but had steep learning curves, hectic schedules and meant lots of hard work and really loooooooong hours!

On the contrary, Maintenance mode projects meant relatively less work, relaxed deadlines and regular work hours.

Support projects on the other hand were the most dreaded of projects. It was a glorified version of a Call Center. All you did was monitor some server or check whether a certain batch script ran on time, and sent out e-mails to the clients about the same.

Pakhir: “It’s a Maintenance mode project. It involves a lot of components in ASP and .NET. Do you know these technologies?”

I just couldn’t believe my luck! I was trained in Java/J2EE. Now I was going to work on a .NET project. My resume was going to be kick ass!

Me: “Well … I was trained in Java/J2EE. But, I am open to working on ASP and .NET – provided, I am given sufficient time and training!”

Pakhir: “That will not be a problem … We can arrange the trainings needed!”

Me: “Music to my ears …”

Pakhir: “Great … I’ll have Vrunda touch base with you sometime by end of day tomorrow. Okay?”

Me: “Works with me.”

Pakhir: “Fine … Ok then … See you around!”

Me: (Getting up to leave) “Thanks for the opportunity Pak!”

I was very happy about how things were shaping up. This calls for a celebration aka another coffee break!

Billability – A BIG issue ???

It had been about 3 months since I joined the Pespi account, and I hadn’t been allotted to any real time – aka client - project yet. All I ever got to do was work on silly “Internal Projects”.

For the non-IT crowd, an Internal Project means – A silly project devised and conceptualized by some think tank (read as someone who is hired to “think” - how best can I screw the lives of developers in this organization!) in your team, no project managers, no clients, no “Go Live” date (because it is never used by anyone anyways), etc.

In short, it’s a thing that they put you into to make sure your brain doesn’t rust out whilst they hunt for a real-time client project.

So, yet another boring day at work, and yet another extended coffee break!

(These breaks were becoming longer and longer day-by-day. But, who the hell cares. We were jobless anyways!)

And today we were joined by Lakshmi (he had been with the account for over a year … I know – Poor soul eh!)

Lakshmi: “Wassup guys …”

Me: “The usual … fucked up work … fucked up project … fucked up life …”

(Everyone snickers)

Lakshmi: “Anyone billable yet?”

Prema: “I am …”

Ram: “So am I …”

Lakshmi: “What about the rest of you guys?”

Me: “Nopes … Not yet … Is billability that important bro?”

Lakshmi: “Oh yes it is … Only if you’re billable does Diapro make money!”

Me: “And if you’re not?”

Lakshmi: “Well … Lets put it this way – If there is a recession, like in 2001, the non-billable resources will be the first ones to be chucked off!!!”

Me: “Jesus fucking Christ!”

Lakshmi: “Got to run … I have a deliverable today …”

(All of us): “Bye man … Enjoy!”

Meen: “Dae mappi (slang for Yo Bro!) – What’re we going to do man? I didn’t know billability was such a big issue!”

Aadi: “Yeah … I don’t want to get kicked out!”

(Oh – Btw – Aadi was another one of the guys who was in the same training batch as mine. And the poor fellow – like the rest of us – had the ill fortune of getting assigned to the Pespi account)

Me: “No one does man … Lets talk to Srikanth. He should be able to help us!”

Meen: “Sounds like a plan!”

That said, we head back to our desks!

Asking a girl - at work – out for a drink

After the let down on Friday, I decided, I somehow need to find a date for myself. Someone that would get me an entry into Night Club – That’s all I wanted. And now that we had practically been thrown out of one – It became a pressing ego issue. I just had to find myself a date by the following weekend.

With this notion, I head over to work on Monday. The day passes, but still no luck. Come 6 pm - I head back home thinking - “Damn … Why aren’t any of these girls good looking … All of them look like crap … And I’d be crazy to take any one of these gals to a pub with me … the bouncer would throw me out! ”

Tuesday too passes without a single ray of hope.

Come Wednesday, I realized that there was no point looking for a “good looking” girl. For all you know, there were none fitting that description in Chennai – Leave alone Diapro!

Just as Google gives optimal search results when you don’t input too many parameters, with the “good looks” parameter thrown away, I found quite a few possible dates.

:D

But, the best of the lot was a girl who had recently joined the team. A lady called – Sajay Lakshmi. She was also known as “Mokkai” In our team (Oh … that’s cause she was and probably still is very very naïve and gullible). What better target to lure into a trap eh?

Well … Another 3 hours down the lane, I knew that decision would be my grave – But let me not blow the suspense right away. Let me detail the whole process step by step.

I walk over to her cube, and make chit chat. Ask her whether she wants to head out for a coffee. And gladly, she agrees. “Wow … Plan A is working … This must be your lucky day Sharath!” was what my mind was saying to me.

10 mins into the coffee break, she was talking freely, no inhibitions et al. Well, before anyone has any queries about what we were talking about, let me clarify – I don’t know … I wasn’t listening! It’s a little trick I learnt over the years. Pretend to be listening (if you don’t – they’ll say you aren’t understanding enough and don’t have time for them, etc, etc, etc). In short, I was just shaking my head and pretending to be interested in her glib!

But hey, can you blame me for that? When a girl starts talking, she practically never stops. She goes on and on and on ... And this girl – I realized about 30 odd mins into the conversation that she was bitching about something?

I remember reading somewhere that when a girl comes to with her problems, she does so because she trusts you enough to reveal them. And this girl was bitching away to glory about everything under the sun. “Definitely a good sign … Yaaaaaaaaaay!!!”

For a min there, I was dreaming of boozing and dancing at Dublin on Friday. It was magical!!!

“Ok … Enough of her nonsense … time to move in for the kill!!!” - With this notion, I give her a couple of more mins to yap away, and then I pitch the question – “Hey ...What are you doing this weekend?”

For those people who’re experts at getting dates – Probably the above blatant statement sounds dumb. But, in my defense – I’m no James Bond. I’m relatively new to this field you see! And hence – I am allowed to make mistakes, and learn from them!

Her reply was – “Nothing much … Just sitting at home … Catching up on some sleep … Washing the clothes … Watch some TV/Movies … That’s about all! Why?”

This was my cue - and I decided to capitalize on it. “Well … There is this awesome night club called Dublin … I was planning to hit it on Friday … Do you want to join me?”

Naïve as she was, she asks me – “Night Club? What’s that?”

“Well … It’s a place where you can go have a drink or two, and there is a dance floor, and some mind blowing music!”

The look on her face said everything …

Have you ever realized that when you’ve done a big big big and stupid mistake, and you know you’re going to get whacked in the face for that – time seems to slow down … And in my case – time had done just that!

The look on her face was nothing short of demonic. I am struggling for a better, more vile and fiendish word. But, unfortunately, since I can’t find anything better – let’s leave it at that!

Seriously, it was as so scary, that if SATAN had seen it, he’d have shit in his pants. Embers were sparkling in her eyes … Smoke was coming out of her ears (ok … I’m lying about the smoke part. But hey – it goes with the overall scenario!)

If you still haven’t been able to understand the “look” she was giving me – Try to recollect all those “bakthi” movies you saw when you were a kid. Remember, there used to be this bit –right towards the end of the movie - where “Goddess Kali” comes out in a very very scary looking avatar of hers’ and chopped her enemy’s neck off!

Well … Give Mokkai a few more pairs of hands (Goddess Kali has 6 pairs of hands - if I am not mistaken) and a weapon to wield in each of those hands – and I was practically looking at the goddess herself!

Before I could recover from the shock of her Medusa glare, she shouts at me (yes – I meant shouts!) – “What the hell do you think of me … I come from a good family … How dare you ask me out for a drink … I don’t do any such nonsense … #$@$@#$%!@#$#@%@%@T#$%”

I don’t remember rest of the profanity (read as don’t want to tell the rest of the swearing I heard). But, heck – it was pretty much the worst scolding I had ever got from anyone – let alone a girl. And all for what – asking her out for a drink?

:-(

After another 15 mins of full fledged shelling – which I, unfortunately, had to take lying down – she calmed down and went inside (read as gave me a despicable “you-sick-prick” look, and stormed inside the office).

First the Bouncer throws us out … Now this girl skull fucks me for asking her out for a date … Could it get any worse!

At that point – I made a startling realization … Men are not born Gay - Its situations like this make him Gay.

:D

And oh yes – before I forget. Remember the bit, about reading a book where it says something about “If a girl opens up to you, she probably likes you a lot”. Well, I’m still hunting for that book. And once I find out who the author is – HE’S GONNA HEAR FROM MY LAWYER!!!

(I’m going to sue him for writing such a stupid article. It had almost cost me my life!)

Hitting a Night Club – And getting thrown Out!

Well, now that I finally had received my salary, it was party time. So, I head over home and make plans with my roomies – John, Sanju, and Thomas Kuriachan aka Thommi – To hit a night club the upcoming weekend.

Now, before I proceed any further, let me introduce my room mates one by one.

Subeel (aka Jabar): An die hard playboy, Jabar claims, he doesn’t have to try to hard to flirt with girls. As per him – “I'm a natural at this!”

Trust me, his exploits while we were at Chennai make for an interesting book of its own.

Navaneet (aka GayM): The brainy and very spiritual types. He is a man of few words. But when he does open his mouth and crack that rare joke or two – he brings the whole house down.

Bino Babu (aka Binna): A pukka malayali in aspects of life. He sports a thick moustache which he claims to be his sexual appeal/USP.

John John Kocherry (aka Thaddiyann aka Achayyan aka Jo Jo Ko): This guy is one helloffa character. Comes from a freaking rich family, but his humble and down-to-earth demeanor would put even the austere Warren Buffet to shame. Well built, handsome, a born entertainer. But … He has a little problem – When it comes to girls – he’s a complete dud!!!
Take my word for it – when someone of the fairer sex comes close to John – he acts like a complete dodo!

(It took me a looooooooooooot of hard work and training to get him to master the art of flirting. Now, he is happily studying in the USA)

Thomas Kuriachan (aka Thommi) : The typical computer nerd. 101% genius - 1.01 % Fitness Freak. Thats Thommi!

Sanju (aka Kurzhi Maddiyann): – If you’re wondering what his nick name means – Its slang for “Lazy Bum” in Malayalam. The laziest guy I’ve ever met.

Unfortunately – were never too lucky with people of the other sex (read as none of us had/have/and probably will never have Girl Friends!).

But, in our defense, it’s not because we didn’t try hard enough. It was because – the right set of girls never came our way.

I mean – we weren’t asking for too much!

After all – all we were demanding is that - the girls don’t expect a serious relation from us. Neither were we interested in shelling money on them (outings and phone calls cost a lot of cash – and at the best we wanted to do them on a Dutch basis). We didn’t want to listen to their nonsense yapping all the time!

But, we were willing to take them out to pubs and night clubs, if they paid their bills i.e.

:P

Now you know why we blokes were so unsuccessful with the damsels. With a requirement set like the one above – no wonder we never landed ourselves any dates (forget dates, we never chatted with any girl for more than 5 mins. And in those 5 mins, it was the typical – “Hi … howz life … howz work … How was your appraisal/hike … Going onsite anytime soon? Ok then … Bye Bye!”)

So, back to where I left the story – The night club plans!

That following Friday, I – and the guys – rushed home by 7 pm, just so that we can hit the night club early. We definitely did not want to miss out on any of the action (read as didn’t want to miss any of the hot chicks that hit these happening spots!)

All dressed and perfumed and gelled, we decide to head over to a place called Dublin – which was supposedly the most happening night club in Chennai. A testosterone overloaded 10 mins drive, and voila – we were at the basement parking lot of Park Sheraton (that’s where the aforesaid club is).

We 4 – me, John, Sanju, and Thommi (the rest of my roomies don’t booze) - head over to the reception and ask for directions to Dublin, and once we get the same, we head over to the direction she pointed. The lobby was majestic. It was awesome even!

But heck – I wasn’t here for the view of the hotel. I was here for the chicks… And you should have seen the party going crowd - “The babes were off the hook!!!”

At the entrance of Dublin was this huuuuuuuuuuge guy. One look at his biceps, and me – actually all of us – knew that we didn’t want to mess with this guy. He could practically tear me apart without even trying.

But hey – I wasn’t here for anything nasty – so why worry! I stepped up to him, and whispered (you can’t blame me for that – I was still piss scared of that fellow) “Entry for 4?”

To which he gives us a wicked stare and says – “Sir, this is a night club, and entry is only for couples!”

Pooooooooooof …. My dreams of dancing with hot chicks just vanished into thin air. And given the size of the guy – aka bouncer – standing in front of me, I didn’t have the guts to say “Please … Can you let us in!”, leave alone picking up a fight.

With a heavy heart, the four of us head over to our regular watering hole – a place called Star Rock.

“The drinks here are too expensive … Besides Star Rock plays awesome music …” – These were the reasons I was trying to tell myself, in a vain attempt to convince myself that it was not so bad after all … All was not lost !

Same old Fox and the Grapes Story eh …

QPLC – Friend of the Foe

Oh … For those who don’t know what QPLC is, I’ll take a minute to explain:

QPLC is Diapro’s way of NOT giving some part of an employee’s salary every month.

Diapro is headed by this guy called Hakim Kemzi. This gentleman - A white haired chap in his late 60's - happens to be a die-hard “kanjoose” (who claims to be austere in all aspects of life), and obviously, wants to reduce the salary paid to employees every month.

That’s when the whole QPLC concept was born. As the name states – Quarterly Performance Linked Performance - the amount will be given once every quarter.

Obviously, not a single soul would agree to have their salaries deferred by a day – leave alone 3 months. This is when the Diapro’s senior management think tanks kick in and say – lets come up with a plan that will make these silly employees think that they stand to gain by letting us keep 10% of their salaries for 3 months and then giving it to them. And hence, the whole “funda” of QPLC was born.

What we were told was, the QPLC is paid based on the performance of your Business Unit (BU) and the company as whole. So, if you’re BU and the company performs well and achieves/over-achieves the targets set for them per quarter, then the pay out % would be done accordingly, i.e. if target achieved was 110% planned, then the QPLC component would be 110% of the amount mentioned in the offer letter. It was a wonderful proposition, given the IT scenario in India in 2005 where companies were raking in multi-million deals by the hour!

But still, this raises the question – what if they don’t perform as per expectations. Well … the senior management – thanks to their MBA’s from IIM’s and Stanford and Harvard et al – had already anticipated that question. And their answer, QPLC is assured at 100 %. So even in the event that Diapro doesn’t perform as per planned, you will still get the amount mentioned in your offer letters.

You see, the average IT professional is a complete Dodo/Simpleton when it comes to financial planning. Their only aim is to secure a job, work like a donkey, make their bosses happy, and come home with a pay package that would give them a comfortable lifestyle.

Tell them about – stocks, commodities, Forex speculation etc and the sort of money that you can make out of it, and they’ll think you’re trying to siphon them off their hard earned money!!!

To such an innocent soul, a policy like QPLC which gives you an assured 100% and a potential upside was a gold mine!

And they gladly agree (agree would be an understatement – I think fascinated would be a more apt term) to the same.

Well… All I can say is - Poor souls!

Given the sort of complexity these think tanks have given the formula - to calculate the percentage for the final QPLC percentage figure - it was almost certain that not even a single person would ever get more than the assured 100%.

(And to add to the agony, the documentation that they have on the factors that result in the final figure is by no means clear and straight forward, thereby adding an essence of enigma to the equation. This leaves the ordinary person thinking – “This is beyond my understanding … I’m sure such a big company won’t cheat me and the other 50,000 employees who work here! So … Lets just leave it at that!”)

Oh … Before I forget, let me give you the information I got out of one of my HR friends at Diapro - who after countless and relentless nagging from my end told me how QPLC was calculated:

Supposedly, it’s a 50 – 50 split where 50 % is contributed by the performance of the BU, and the remaining 50 % is based on performance of Diapro as a whole.

Eg: If Diapro’s performance was 150% projected, and the BU’s (say Retail) was 180%, then the QPLC would be = ( 75 + 90 ) = 165%

In the event that either of these two entities did not meet the specified targets, the QPLC would be the assured amount only.

Eg: If Diapro’s performance was 250%, and the BU’s (say Telecom) was 99.98%, then the QPLC would be = 100%

So, in purely mathematical terms, there was a ½ chance that each of the entities would be over target. And since it is a combination event, the probability of ending up with a scenario where the actual performance is more than the projected performance = ½ * ½ = ¼

So, even from a mathematical perspective, the management knew that for even 1 time that they would have to pay more than 100%, there were 3 times when they would have to pay only the assured 100%.

What else could they ask for?

And hence, the policy was rolled out. And the employees, innocent (or foolish) as they were, thought of it as the next best thing that could happen to them, and embraced the QPLC with open arms!

And for those who didn’t want to? Well … you didn’t have a choice. You either sign on the dotted lines that say you accept this sort of a pay-stack, or you can go to another company.

That’s one of the reasons why I signed the stupid contract!!! More like – That’s the ONLY reason I signed the contract and the bond as well!!!

Nov 1 – At work – The pay-slip

In a record 20 mins I reached my office. Ordinarily, I drive at around 60 kmph. But that day, I was in such a big hurry t get to work and see my pay-slip that I pushed my bike to limit. I was driving around 95 kmph (atleast that was what the speedo told me).

I hastily parked my bike, and rush to my computer and power it on (Diapro had a “Please reboot your machines everyday!” policy. And since I was relatively new to the company, I followed rules. Another 2 months down the road, the only reasons I rebooted my machine were ‘A Computer Crash’, ‘To install pirated software’). And guess what – The stupid machine was taking forever to boot.

Not that I was only used to fast computers (the comp at home was a pre-historic raccoon. An Intel P – III (1Ghz), with 128 MB RAM and its best boot time was 5 minutes!), but I was so eager to check out my pay-slip that I was cussing away to glory (read as swearing at the computer’s mom and dad!!!). Thankfully, in another 2 mins it spluttered to life and in another 30 secs, I was looking at my Pay-Slip. A little later, Meenraj (who was always among the first people to filter into work – mainly because he stayed a stone’s throw from work) saw me staring at my screen, and asked me – “Dae … What’re you so staring so intently at man?”

Knowing me, he must’ve expected me to be oogling over some forward of some naked chick. That would explain why a person who ordinarily turned up post 9.30 was at work before 8.30. Heck - since there was a chick involved, and esp a naked one, Meen (aka Meenraj) heads over to my cube.

A sec later, even his face was contorted in shock.

Meen: “Dae … What the hell is this da …”

Me: “Payslip …”

Meen: “But, where did the rest of the money go!”

Me: “Who the hell knows … Grrrrrrrrrrrr … I was better of getting a stipend. Atleast I used to get 9500 in hand!”

Meen: “Dae … Let me check my pay slip!!!”

A sec later “Dae … I also got something like that itself!”

Me: “Ha ha ha ha ha … Mammaa … You’re also fucked eh!!!”

The second the realization hit me that I was not alone in this (sinking) ship, I cheered up. Call it minority spirit or even sadism. But, it didn’t feel so bad after all. After all, I was not being ostracized alone!

Meen: “Dae … What are we going to do?”

Me: “I don’t know about you, but I’m going to eat something. I’m hungry!”

Meen: “But what about the payslip … Salary?”

Me: “Well … We’ve signed a bond for 75K na. Maybe they expect me to quit after seeing this stupid pay-slip. That way they’ll get to keep my 75K. Oh hell no …”

Meen: “Dae … U really think so?”

Me: “Balls I do #$%#$% … I’m just waiting for the other to come in, to find out what’s the scenario with them”

Meen: “Sounds like a plan … Let go get something to eat in the meanwhile!”

Me: “Sure …”

Another 20 mins later, when we head back to ODC, as expected we see a couple of shell shocked faces – Prema, and Ram. They come running to us and tell us “Dae … Did u see the pay-slips … We haven’t got the money as stated on the offer letter!”

I retorted with a “Grrrrrrrr … Tell me something I don’t know Ram!!!”

So, we all head out for cup of coffee and a gossip session as to what could be the reason for the rest of cash to just disappear!

Now, most of you folks will be wondering, why are all these people getting so angered and flustered by their pay slips. After all, they’re working at Diapro, the second largest IT major in the country. Seriously, such a company would be fair in all its practices. Well, before we move any forward, I would like to show you how my offer letter depicted my salary stack, and how my first salary pay-slip looked:

Offer Letter

BASIC             5100.00

SPLALLW            500.00

HRA               2040.00

COMMUTATION        800.00

WBP               5340.00

QPLC              1700.00

MEDCLAIM           325.00

PF                 612.00

Pay-Slip

This Statement is best viewed in Courier New Font size '8'

DIAPRO TECHNOLOGIES

A Division of Diapro Limited

MONTH/YEAR  : SEPTEMBER 2005                 ATTD   : 30

EMPCODE     : 111500                         PF NO. : KN/11394/007

NAME        : SHARATH KUMAR R                GENDER : MALE

LOCATION    : CHENNAI

MODE        : BANK                           A/c No.: TBI   - 30008960000         

LOAN BALANCE: 18000                          NETPAY : 8841          

EARNINGS          REGULAR        ARREARS   DEDUCTIONS

BASIC             1870.00           0.00   LOANS             2000.00

COMMUTATION        293.00           0.00   MBS                  5.00

GRPALLW           1958.00           0.00   MEDCLAIM           120.00

HRA                748.00           0.00   PF                 224.00

SPLALLW            183.00           0.00   PT                 195.00

STIPEND           6333.00           0.00                  

---------------------------------------------------------------------

TOTAL:           11385.00           0.00   TOTAL             2544.00

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Note:

** IT Projection will be available in BEDWEB by 5th of OCTOBER  

** Please do not respond to this mail and route your queries through Q&A in BEDWEB

Now, given this background, wouldn’t you agree that each one of us had every reason and right to be angry if not furious?

Thanks for agreeing!!!

So, back to coffee break and our discussion session on why our pay stack was all jacked up …

Meen: “Dae … Does anyone have any idea what happened?”

Me: “Oh yes … We just got looted in broad daylight!”

Ram: “Shut up man … Seriously, Prema … Any ideas?”

Prema: (On the verge of a nervous breakdown) “No … (sob … sob …)”

Me: “Why don’t we shoot out a mail to Sangya Sinha? She’s the HR head for Chennai location. Maybe she’ll help us out with this issue. And besides, she’s pretty cute … So – It’s gonna be worth our while anyways!”

Ram: “U idiot … Can u stop thinking for girls for one sec atleast?”

Me: “Well … I just lost money … Atleast I wanna score with ladies … Can you blame me for being an optimist?”

Meen: “Opportunist … that’s more like it!!!”

Me: “Whatever man! She’s hot, I’m broke and fat … What else can go wrong?”

Prema: “Well … She’s married!!!”

Me: “Oh … shit … anything but that … are u sure?”

Prema: “Yup …”

Me: “Meen … I don’t wanna hit on some married chick … You send her that e-mail … My life is getting more and more arse fucked by the second! First no money … and now the hot chick I wanted to hit on is married! Grrrrrrrrrrr … Why is it always me?”

Everyone obviously had a good laugh at my melodramatic performance. And that was precisely what I wanted anyways!

Me: “Meen … On a serious note – why don’t you check with one of the seniors here and ask them about this discrepancy. I’m sure they’ll be able to explain it to us. You’re chums with Lakshmi and Ramesh. Get the info out of them!”

Meen: “Sure … I’ll ask them right away!”

We all finish off our coffees (which has become cold by now), and head back to our cubes. Now, the only thing left to do was for Meen to come back to us with the data.

Another 10 mins later, and Meen signals for a coffee break. Me, Prema and Ram are all the more willing to join him – Not out of a desire to have a coffee – but more out of the desire to get to the bottom of the mystery of our missing salary!

Meen: “Dae mama … I checked with Lakshmi … He says – this is how it works here!”

(I was obviously not ready to accept that. Heck – It was equivalent to taking it lying down!)

Me: “Care to explain in a little bit more detail?”

Meen: “Well … I showed him my pay-slip and he told me that the only component that was missing was our QPLC (Quarterly Performance Linked Composition). And as the name states – we will get it only once per quarter.”

Me: (catching on) “Oh … yes … the QPLC component … That’s about 1700 bucks. Mystery solved … Elementary my dear Watson!”

It was obvious that none of these blokes had read Sherlock Holmes, as they were giving me really weird expressions when I made that last statement. But, heck – I didn’t want to spoil the moment by explaining the joke to them. Right now – It was the time to celebrate. We had just found out that our 1700 bucks was indeed coming back to us, albeit a little delayed, we were all up in spirits. Another joke of two later, we all head back to work.

But little did I know – that at the end of the quarter, when I was supposed to get my QPLC component, another nasty surprise was awaiting me!

Nov 1 - First Salary

D-Day had finally arrived … First Stop – The TBI ATM at the corner of the street (I hope you still remember that we “had-no-other-choice-but-to-choose-TBI” for our salary account). I had already begun to build castles in the air. I was already thinking – “what will I do with that “extra” lump of cash? Maybe I should buy that Nike shoe I always wanted. Or maybe I should get mom a Saree and dad a Shirt. Naaa … Mom already has more than enough saree’s and dad has way too many shirts! Maybe I should just get myself those shoes. After all – I deserved a little pampering!”

(Selfish me eh!!!)

Still … Deeply immersed in thought, I arrive at the TBI ATM box only to find another 5 people standing in front of me. Basically, I am a very impatient person. And the sight of such a huvge queue would’ve ordinarily made me come back later. But today was different wasn’t it. It was salary day. The most anticipated day of the week. And there was no chance in hell I was too about to let a 5 person queue make me head back. So, still dreaming, I wait patiently in queue. A grueling 5 mins later, I get my turn. Yahoooooo … Finally, I get to lay hands on my first salary.

I punch in the pin code (I ain’t telling you what that is), and hit the button that says retrieve balance. I am eagerly hoping to see the message “Your Balance is – Rs. 14,500/-“, but the stupid machine displays the message – “Your Balance is – Rs. 8,841/-.

What was the old saying??? Ah … yes … “Don’t count your chickens before they are hatched!” Well, I got a taste of that right there!

All upset, thinking there must’ve been some sort of mistake, I punched the buttons that would give me the details of the last 5 transactions, and there it was, right in front of me

Last 5 transactions:

31/10/05 – Salary – Rs. 8858/-

My dream world had come down in a jiffy. It felt like someone had hit me on the head with a sledgehammer. Obviously, I was in a mixed state of emotions – Confused, anger, despair, upset. You name it – and I was probably experiencing that!

Anyways … I realized that standing there in the ATM cube and cursing the machine was not going to help me in the least. Maybe, my pay-slip would give me the details of where the remaining 5600 odd rupees had disappeared. (And besides that – the other people outside the ATM had begun to bang on the doors by now!)

The dream Nike shoes I wanted to buy remained what it was – A dream! With a heavy heart and a completely let down feeling, I started my bike and headed over to work.

Stipend Period Ends – Salary Period Starts

I had been with the account for close to a month now. And still, there were no signs of any good work (except these assignments that we were given) coming my way.

By now, I had bought a bike. A brand new Hero Honda Glamour. It’s a nice bike – for city driving. But, for all those bike enthusiasts out there who are looking for a bike that you can use for long distance commute – stay away from this one. You’ll scorch a hole in ur pocket (on petrol and maintenance) and if you’re lucky – you might also get a Slip Disk complaint in the process.

Well, more on that later. Talking about the bike, just so that you know - I had taken a Rs. 20,000/- soft loan from Diapro (on of the perks that we got) for the same. Where else was a person like me, who had just started off his career, go for the huge down payment required for a bike. But, the bike bought me a lot of joy, and I had started roaming around the city a lot – thanks to my bike. And I never regretted the decision to take the soft loan. Atleast not until the 1^st of Nov (that’s when I saw my first Salary Slip).

:)

It had been four months since I joined Diapro, and my stipend period – of 3 months – had ended. This month (October 05) onwards, I was supposed to get salary. Yahooooooooooo … No more 9,500 bucks per month (stipend). From this month onwards, I would be getting 14,800 bucks per month (Oh … That was what my offer letter mentioned. But boy – was I in for a rude shock or what!!!)

Meeting with the Delivery Manager – Samesh Balluri

It was about 10 days since we had entered the account. We had been assigned mentors, and guess what – My mentor was SUJATHA (A few months down the road, when me and Suj were best of pals, she told me that Srikanth had assigned me to Suj on purpose. Just so that we could iron out our difference. The moment I heard that revelation, my respect for Srikanth went up a notch!) …

It reminded me of “Murphy’s Law” – ‘’If something can go wrong – It WILL!!!’’ I mean, I couldn’t find any other logical explanation for that, besides being an exercise to validate Murphy’s Law i.e.

So … There I was – Stuck, I believe is the term! And that too at the hands of a lunatic bungling baboon, who had a special liking for making a fool out of me.

But heck, I was not the sort of person who was going to be intimated by some women who was out of her mind. Another week passed, and still no solid “work” had come our way. We were asked to learn some stuff like EJB’s, JDBC, Weblogic Tuning, etc and complete some menial “understanding based” assignments on these areas. But, they were not the sort of “work” I was looking forward too.

Being a master as plagiarism (thank my 4 years at NITC for that), I’d wait till Ram or Meen completed the assignments and then ask em to share it. Once I had the code on my machine, it was just a matter of mins before I changed the variable names, tweaked the code to be more efficient, add a System.out.println once in between every 15 lines of code (in the name of “aiding debugging”, and ‘Hey Presto’ you had a completely original bit of code ready for submission.

No idea why – but the folks never caught my little trick. Maybe, they didn’t give a damn. But, I prefer to think that - I was successful in “pulling a fast one” on the unsuspecting souls. Either ways, bottom line – It was close to 2 weeks now, and I for one was getting bored at not getting a taste of the action.

During one of those days, the entire team got together for a meeting. It was in this meeting, that I came face to face with Samesh Balluri, the Account Manager for Pespi ODC. Every single person in the account was full of praise for him. He welcomed us freshers on board (obviously – it was about 2 weeks overdue, but heck – I’m just being over critical here).

Maybe its just me, but in life, you come across some people, who for no reason scare or intimidate you. Take the policeman for instance. You know you haven’t stolen anything. But, for some reason you see him and you start panicking. Similar was the case with Samesh Balluri – atleast to me. I still have no clue why I was scared of him. But, every time I see him or run into him, nervousness hits me and I end up all tensed and worried. Maybe it’s the perfume he uses. Or maybe it’s his aura. Or maybe his Yin v/s mine. What the hell – bottom line – I was and still am a little intimidated by him!

Pespi Account – Day 3

Somewhere around 11.00 am we – the “freshers” – were pulled into a conference room. We were supposed to meet a new manager called Suresh. He was supposed to try and allocate us to projects. (Atleast that’s what we all thought as we went for our first “meeting”). It turned out that Suresh wanted to assess our comfort levels in different areas of Java Technology, and thereby wanted to plan our trainings and self learning modules.

He decides to start off with Ram. Now, let me talk about Ram a little bit before I go back to the meeting. Ram, is a wonderful, albeit reserved, person. He makes an excellent techie, a wonderful communicator, and above all – he helps people with their work. The only thing is – he’s a little proud of his knowledge in Java/J2EE (we can attribute it to the fact that he had been working on it for a longer while than any of us in the training batch). But who isn’t proud of his/her knowledge – eh?

Well … Now back to the conference room.

Suresh: “Ram … Tell me something about yourself and also, how comfortable are you with Java?”

Ram: “Well … I am Ram … I did my BTech from MIT (Madras Institute of Technology) … I’ve done GNIIT program and hence, I am very comfortable with Java/J2EE”

Suresh: (jotting these things down) “Oh … Good … Will you need training in any particular areas?”

Ram: (confidently) “No … I don’t think so!”

Suresh: “Good … Now … What about you Sharath … tell us about yourself, and your comfort level in Java.”

Well… Obviously, I had my ego to protect, and I was not about to let Ram steal the show:

Me: “Well … I’m Sharath … And I did my BTech in Mech Engg from NITC … I’ve got an IBM certification in C++ and my comfort factor in Java is reasonably good.”

Suresh: “Any training/improvement areas?”

Unlike Ram, I didn’t have the luxury of saying – “No … I don’t”, because frankly, I needed some help in certain areas. And I definitely was not going to let my ego come in the way.

Me: “Yes … I’d like some help in learning Threads and Swings. Never understood them properly!”

Suresh: (continuing to make notes of all these) “Good … Lets see what we can do about that”

The baton eventually passes on to Meen and then Prema. And in another 10 mins Suresh wrapped up the meeting and we guys – prema included – headed over to the garden for a coffee, and a gossip session on the events of the day.

Pespi Account – Day 2

When I reached the ODC in the morning, my desktop had already arrived. My pride and happiness knew no bounds. Finally, I had my own work PC. Yahooooooooo !!!

I settled down to tweak my system, configuring the mail server, etc etc … A couple of mins later, I hear a lady shout out, “who the hell was using my PC?” I look around and see that the source of this entire ruckus is a short, kindda plump lady standing in front of the machine I was using yesterday.

“Maybe this was Sujatha… The owner of that PC. But from the looks of it, she seems very upset. Maybe I should let her settle down before walking over to say hi … But – hey – she seemed upset about someone using her system … What did I do wrong? I didn’t surf any porno site did I .. Hmmmmmm … No … I am sure about that … Then what could it be???”

While I was sitting at my desk thinking about all these things, oblivious to my surroundings, Sumija had informed Sujatha that there was this fresher called Sharath who was using her system and maybe she should talk to me directly about screwing up her PC.

(Somehow – Sumija didn’t look all that cute to me now!!!)

:P

A couple of seconds later – I’m still immersed in thought – Sujatha walks up and raps me on my shoulder. I am jolted back into reality, and I must say I was shocked to see Sujatha standing in front of me all perplexed and flustered.

I wanted to say – “Hi … You must be Sujatha … I am Sharath and I am new here …” But try all I could, all I did was stare at her like a moron. In my defense - I had a good reason for that.

Sujatha was giving me this murderous look of rage!!! It was as if I had killed her husband and then slept with her sis – back to back!!!

Sujatha: (In a very angry tone) “Are you the fresher who was using my machine yesterday?”

Me: (Trying to sound pleasant) “Ummm … Yes”

Sujatha: “What were you directed to do?”

Me: “Complete a couple of courses on VelociQ”

Sujatha: “And … Did you do anything more than that”

Me: (My mind still racing … Did I by any chance watch porno on that godforsaken machine???) “Well … I don’t think so … Why do u ask?”

Sujatha: “Did you use yahoo messenger?”

Me: “Oh yes … I did … Actually …”

(But before I could complete my sentence)

Sujatha: (shouting) “Who the HELL asked you to use that …”

Me: (It was as if she had slapped me in the face … Esp with the usage of such aggressive language! And by now the entire ODC was looking at us) “I … Me …. Ummmmm … Ohhhhhhhh …”

Sujatha: “You were asked to do a particular task … And you should’ve just done that … Not tinker around with other things on other peoples desktops!”

Me: (By now I had begun to look like roadkill) “I’m sorry … I … I’m really very sorry … I didn’t mean to intrude into your privacy or anything like that!!!” (But what was actually going on in my head was, you stupid bitch … why don’t you just log back into the application. It doesn’t take 2 mins to do that does it!!!)

Sujatha: “Who the hell do you think you are??? You’re just a fresher … Remember that!!!”

I guess it had to do with her talking about me as if I were some sort of scum (referring to me as “just a fresher” – I mean how dare she!!!), but in a jiffy, all the remorse I felt for jacking her system just evaporated. And the next second, I was giving her an “I don’t give a shit” look. I think she must’ve got the hint. Or for all you know – she must’ve thought she had conquered me. I didn’t give a damn!!!

But, I saw her storm towards Srikanth, and because he was a manager, her demeanor towards him was in stark difference to the treatment that was handed out to me. Obviously, she was not stupid to shout at a PM the way she had shouted at me. But, then she had sent the message across to Srikanth – That I was a trouble maker.

But, Srikanth being the gentleman he is, calmed her down, and didn’t even question me about what I had done or why I had done it. I mean – he had understood and accepted the whole incident as a honest mistake, and not as a malignant intention to mess up a computer, then why didn’t that idiot Sujatha?

What the hell, you can’t be friends with everyone can you. And I’m sure I am not going to be friends with this bitch!!! (Boy … Was I mistaken … Because a couple of months down the road – Suj and me turned out to be the closest of friends … But, I’ll get to that in due course)

My friends – Meen and Ram – had also witnessed the commotion (thanks to Sujatha being so loud, I think even the guys in the next building would have heard the ruckus), and obviously they wanted to hear my end of the story. I decided to break the event over a coffee. The three of us grab a cup of coffee, and take a “seat” in the garden to discuss. Obviously, I was pissed. For one, I had been insulted in front of the entire ODC … And that too on my second day at work. And more importantly, a freaking lady had made me look like pink arsed baboo!!! What could be more insulting that that???

Hence, I started bitching away to glory. (I don’t want to get into the details, but I am sure the guys who’re reading this will know what sort of shit men say when they’re upset and more importantly – Insulted!!!) Maybe to boost my morale – but the guys also chipped in their 20 cents. Aaaaaaahhhhhh … One coffee and 30 mins of bitching, and I was back in business!!!

:)

I announce - “Back to work … “ and we three head back to our cubes.

Ofcourse, Sujatha was there at hers – giving me wicked sneers and stares of contempt. But, I couldn’t care less, and now that I think of it, I remember having returned her stares.

Well … Thankfully, I wasn’t reporting to her!!!